Blessing, Grace, and Incarnation: Foundations of the Spiritual Family

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id71.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id494.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Alcoholics Anon. Mtgs."><U>Alcoholics Anon. Mtgs.</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Blessing, Grace, and Incarnation: Foundations of the Spiritual Family </I></div> <div> <I>by Wes Eades</I></div> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="20" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="580" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 77 WIDTH="532"><div> <I>This article is based on ideas generated by my doctoral dissertation.  Those interested in a more "scholarly" perspective on this work can read the final chapter of this dissertation at </I><A HREF="ptmodel.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A PastoralTheological Model of Narcissis"><U><I>A Pastoral-Theological Model of Narcissistic Development</I></U></A></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <div> My wife and I arrived at the house mid-afternoon. We were introduced to three handsome boys before the parents left to go out-of-town. Holly and I always appreciated the extra money that "house-sitting" brought in while I was in seminary, but we often wondered if the accompanying children would be worth the trouble. It certainly seemed that we'd gotten lucky this time. Before long the five-year-old, Johnny, announced that I would be responsible for carrying out the evening bedtime routine with him. It would be my job to:</div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="744" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 168 ><NOBR><div>      (1) put him in bed, </div> <div>      (2) read him a book, </div> <div>      (3) leave to get a glass of water, </div> <div>      (4) return to discover he was hiding in the room, </div> <div>      (5) find him, </div> <div>      (6) put him back in his bed, </div> <div>      (7) give him a drink, </div> <div>      (8) turn out the light, and </div> <div>      (9) tell him goodnight.</div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="312"><bR> <div> <B>A word about "gender neutral" writing:</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>In order to avoid the awkwardness of "him or her" or "he or she" I generally just take turns using masculine and feminine pronouns in my examples.  As far as I can tell, I'm pretty fair about the way I do it...</I></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div>      </div> <div> At the designated hour I told Johnny to get ready for bed. He told me to come up in a few minutes. Upon arriving in the room, I read Johnny a story, and then left to get the water. When I came back into the room I immediately noticed the legs sticking out from under the desk on my left. Johnny had pulled the chair out and crawled in, leaving his legs sticking halfway out into the room. I realized what was going on, so I began to move around the room to the right. I was opening closets and drawers, poking behind stuffed animals, and constantly asking out loud, "Where's Johnny?" The closer I got to his side of the room, the louder he would giggle, until I finally closed in on his spot, pulled him out from under the desk declaring, “There you are, I found you!" I threw him in bed, turned out the light and told his goodnight. Johnny went right to sleep.</div> <bR> <div> The next night I read Johnny his story, went to get the water, returned to find two legs sticking out from under the same hiding place. We repeated the same routine, concluding with, "There you are, I found you!" I threw Johnny in bed, and he went to sleep. The next night . . .  same routine . . .  same hiding place . . . same conclusion, “There you are, I found you!"</div> <bR> <div> Robert Fulgum (1988), in his wonderful little book, <I>All I Ever Really  Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten</I>, has reminded us that the central lessons of life have all been taught by the time we begin the first grade. The rest of life is spent replaying and relearning these lessons in each developmental epoch. As we get older, these central lessons may begin to involve more money, or more complicated circumstances, but the lessons themselves remain constant. Sharing, for example, is important whether we're talking about play-dough, the car, or winning the lottery.</div> <bR> <div> My little friend Johnny helped me get back in touch with one of these basic lessons of life. The lesson is: It is a wonderful thing to be found. Think about it for a minute. Isn't it true? Recall all those lost and found experiences of life: </div> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Playing "hide and seek," and discovering that your hiding place is too good, so you make a noise or stick your foot out . . .  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Moving to a new town as a child and meeting that first friend . . .  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Waiting for someone to meet you whom you think has forgotten . . .  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Being overwhelmed by grief, and then talking with someone who has experienced a very similar grief . . .  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Holding hands with that man or woman who seems to understand your very soul and who has awakened that odd mixture of feeling we call love . . .  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Wing0a73007700f000000000.png" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The look on a dying persons face when you have taken the time to sit with them and listen to them . . . </div> <bR> <div> To some degree, we are  "hide and seek" players. If you are a professional counselor or minister, then you are also a "hide and seek" coach, helping families to learn how to play more effectively. Like any good player or coach, we have to know the fundamentals of the game.</div> <bR> <div> The fundamentals of “hide and seek” are not complicated. They basically come down to three "spiritual" experiences which, under the best of circumstances, have been weaved into the fabric of a person's family life. I will be using stories from my faith tradition (Protestant Christian) to illustrate and illuminate these experiences. But the points I want to make about families and spirituality will be sufficiently broad, I believe, to have application for those who hold different religious perspectives, or non-religious perspectives, for that matter. Before I describe these three experiences, I need to clarify my definition of spirituality.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Spirituality</B></div> <bR> <div> What is spirituality? There must be at least one hundred ways to approach this question. Spirituality, within orthodox religions, usually refers to the ways in which one experiences and maintains relationship to God. For those whose world view does not include God, at least not in the traditional sense, spirituality refers to the ways in which one experiences and maintains a sense of relationship to their own perceived, larger Reality.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Spirituality Defined</I></div> <bR> <div> One of the ideas that keeps popping up in the literature of spirituality —  whether Christian, Jewish, eastern, new age —  regarding this relationship to the Ultimate Reality is the idea of receptivity. The spiritual person is the receptive person. The spiritual person is able to do two things: First, she is able to turn down the inner static and become inwardly quiet. Second, she is able to keep her antennae up, and she is constantly taking in and processing all of the information that God is providing.</div> <bR> <div> This notion of receptivity leads to a very broad and general definition of spirituality: <B>Spirituality refers to a person's ability to take the stance of a student, and allow life to be a teacher.</B> The spiritual person is open, versus defensive, and aware, versus repressed. The spiritual person finds whatever small grain of goodness and growth that is present in difficult, even tragic circumstances.</div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="770" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 458 WIDTH="307"><div> Furthermore, the spiritual person takes a different stance towards anxiety and symptoms than most other people. Such a person assumes anxiety is a gift given to provide him with insight into himself, not a curse which must be controlled. </div> <bR> <div> Spirituality is, then, the emotional-psychological-behavioral opposite of being self-centered. The person who is dysfunctionally self-centered is committed to maintaining a particular view of Self regardless of what the world tries to tell him. I think of a women I knew in Louisville who had been "let go" from several jobs in a fairly brief period of time. She clearly had a short fuse and all kinds of trouble dealing with bosses and supervisors, but when I asked her what she made of these rocky forays into the world of employment she responded, "Well, I realize now that the Lord didn't want me to have those jobs." "The Lord?," I thought, "The employers didn't want you to have those jobs. . . "</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="35"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="458" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="35" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="391"><div> <B>A Word To Therapists:</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>It should be noted, for example, that spirituality oriented therapists and spiritual directors approach consultation and supervision from a different stance than most are accustomed. Consultation and supervision usually focus on a client, brainstorming strategies related to helping that client. I usually bring cases to supervision that I am particularly puzzled or stumped by. I expect, or should I say desperately hope, the supervisor or group will provide some insight which will give me a sense of direction and control. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A spirituality focus takes the spotlight off the client and places it on the therapist. The therapist is asked to look within and discover why this particular client creates so much anxiety for her. The goal, rather than control of the client's chaos, is for the therapist to lower her anxiety in order to be a calming presence amidst the client's chaos. This approach is not at all different from the way successful parents operate.</I></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="16"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="458" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="16" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> Not only is the spiritual life the opposite of the self-centered life,  it is the antidote to the self-centered life. You already know that the 12-step program is essentially a program of spiritual development. Furthermore, churches and synagogues that are really meeting people's needs are, in effect, big 12-step groups. The effective place of worship, Just like the effective therapist, helps a person feel safe, and helps a person to be honest with himself.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Religiosity and Spirituality</I></div> <bR> <div> Having mentioned church, it is important to distinguish between religiosity and spirituality. Spirituality refers to religious <I>experience</I>. Religiosity refers to religious <I>behavio</I>r. People can get caught up in performing the rituals prescribed by religion out of habit, out of guilt, out of any number of reasons that have little to do with an awareness of "God”. This is religiosity. Religiosity describes the person who <I>merely</I> engages in religious behavior or activities. Religiosity, when divorced from spirituality, is a negative, though it certainly can serve important psychological functions.</div> <bR> <div> Spirituality, on the other hand, focuses on the existential dimension of religion. Spirituality is concerned with a <I>relationship</I> <I>to</I> or <I>experience of </I> Ultimate Being. When divorced from religiosity, spirituality may be negative because it can become very narcissistic or even psychotic.</div> <bR> <div> <I>Parenting as a Spiritual Discipline</I></div> <bR> <div> How does a person become spiritual? The view across the spectrum is rather confusing. Some cable TV shows suggest that all a guy has to do to be spiritual is call the special phone number and pledge $50 to $5,000. Seriously, though, when studying the early Christian mystics, all kinds of seemingly bizarre techniques for achieving spiritual perfection are found. These men and women would isolate themselves for years, take all sorts of vows, live in trees or on top of poles for extended periods, and/or inflict pain on themselves. Monte Python's movie, <I>In Search of the Holy Grail</I>, shows the monks coming through town moaning, chanting, and slamming themselves in the foreheads with boards. This is intended to be a caricature, of course, but in some ways its not that far from the truth. </div> <bR> <div> The point is that for ages and ages people have been devising all these complicated and difficult strategies for developing spiritually.</div> <bR> <div> Actually a person does not have to go that much trouble. It is really quite simple to begin a spiritual pilgrimage. A person needs to do only one thing: <I>Become a parent</I>. (Dreyer notes, “In our society the challenge of raising children is perhaps the ascetic opportunity <I>par excellence</I>" [1988 ' p. 14]). Recall that the spiritual person is the person who is willing to take the stance of a student, and allow life to be a teacher. Hardly a day goes by that my children don't teach me something. If I am open to them, then they become a fountain of wisdom concerning my unrealistic expectations, my overwhelming need to be affirmed and appreciated, and my fear of being out of control. My children have taught me more about problem solving, tenderness, and the misuse of power than all the professional books I've ever read. My children have taught me more about forgiveness and unconditional love than all the Sunday School classes I have ever attended. </div> <bR> <div> The spiritual family, which may or may not be a religious family, is, therefore, something of an open monastery, where trust and security is so high that each person feels safe enough to become both student and teacher. But what are the more specific qualities that allow this kind of spirituality to flourish? What goes on in these families that allows for this kind of openness? I have come to the conclusion, based on both theory and practice, that it all comes down to three different kinds of experiences that spiritual families seem to provided for each other over and over and over. (And it is these three experiences that we hide and seek coaches must learn to provide and teach if we are going to help families.)</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>The Three Experiences of Spiritual Formation</B></div> <bR> <div> Theoreticians have long been fascinated with the idea of precisely describing the path of healthy human development. Out of this fascination has come all those wonderful lists many of us had to memorize in college related to people with names like Erikson, Kohlberg, Piaget, and others. </div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="768" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 268 WIDTH="272"><div> My studies have focused on the work of three theorists (box at right) who have very different views when it comes to the essence of  we human beings. Yet, all three describe childhood development in virtually identical ways, suggesting three basic needs or experiences that are necessary for the emergence of a healthy adult from childhood. These three needs, defined here as blessing, grace and incarnation, are illustrated in the following discussion by contemporary stories, and Jesus stories.</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="59"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="268" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="59" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="395"><bR> <div> <I>In 1987, when I began working on my dissertation (Eades, 1989), I was interested in looking at the developmental theories of three men with very diverse perspectives. Heinz Kohut (see bibliography) emerged from a traditional  Freudian psychoanalytic perspective. Although he ultimately altered Freudian theory, he never completely abandoned it. Erich Neumann (1966, 1973) was first a student, and then a colleague of Jung's. He took on the task of cultivating an area of Jungian theory that Jung himself had little interest in, childhood development. Adrian Van Kaam (see bibliography), a Roman Catholic existential psychologist, has pioneered work in the field of spiritual formation.</I></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF WIDTH="21"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="268" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="21" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> <I>Blessing</I></div> <bR> <div> A woman tells of an early memory of her grandfather when she was three or four years old: We came into the kitchen after an enjoyable walk outside. “What would you  like to do now?” he asked. “I’d like to throw those eggs,” I said, pointing to the basket perched on top of the icebox. “Okay,” he replied lifting me up and setting me next to the basket. And for the next few minutes we both shrieked with delight as I pelted away every nook and cranny of the kitchen with that morning’s fresh collection. We continued to laugh as we cleaned up the mess (I did most of the laughing while he did most of the cleaning) and, I don't think that Grandma ever found out.</div> <bR> <div> Then [Jesus] went into Jericho and was making his way through it. And here we find a wealthy man called Zacchaeus, a chief collector of taxes, wanting to see what sort of person Jesus was. But the crowd prevented him from doing so for he was very short. So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to get a view of Jesus as he was heading that way. When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and saw the man and said: “Zacchaeus hurry up and come down. I must be your guest today.” So Zacchaeus hurriedly climbed down and gladly welcomed him. But the bystanders muttered their disapproval saying, “Now he has gone to stay with a real sinner.” But Zacchaeus himself stopped and said to the Lord: “Look, sir, I will give half my property to the poor. And if I have swindled anybody out of anything I will pay him back four times as much.” Jesus said to him: “Salvation has come to this house today! Zacchaeus is a descendant of Abraham, and it was the lost that the Son of Man came to seek — and to save.” (Luke 19:1-10, Phillips Translation)</div> <bR> <div> Young children are natural born show offs, little exhibitionists. Long before they can actually speak they are saying to us, “Watch me, see me, touch me, pay attention to me.” Children are asking us to be a mirror for them. In this mirror, they want to see that they are accepted just exactly the way they are, and that they are special.  This can be extremely exhausting. It can also be annoying. But when children get this message, then this grandiose kind of exhibitionism begins to ease up, and in its place develops a realistic sense of self-esteem.</div> <bR> <div> Realistic self-esteem is simply a combination of confidence and humility.  A person with self-esteem has no need to see herself as greater than she is, nor less than she is.  When she looks into her own inner mirror, she sees someone who is by no means perfect, but wonderful nonetheless.</div> <bR> <div> The Christian tradition has an age old concept which captures this same dynamic. It is called the<I> blessing</I>. The blessing, in the Old Testament, was an<I> expression of confidence</I> which passed from a person of authority, such as a king or priest, to either another person or to a group of people. (Arnold, 1990) This expression of confidence is related not primarily to what the person does but to who the person is as a child of God. In other words, I bless another when I mirror back to him that he is a unique creation of God.</div> <div>  </div> <div> The opposite of the blessing is the <I>curse</I>.  The curse communicates that a person is not special by virtue of creation, but is, in fact, a problem which must be compensated for. The curse is at the heart of shame.  From the Christian perspective shame, unlike guilt, is always a neurotic experience. God declared in creation that humanity is blessed (good), and this blessing cannot be revoked by our actions.  Therefore, though a person may <I>feel</I> worthless, it is never true that he <I>is </I>worthless.  Guilt, on the other hand can be both neurotic and legitimate. Guilt is a healthy experience if it is generated by a true transgression of some sort.</div> <bR> <div> Our need for blessing is most critical in early childhood, but continues for our whole life. No one's mirror is so perfectly formed that he is not prone to feeling cursed and shamed at times. These are times when the external mirrors of family and community sustain us until our self-esteem kicks in again. In my experience, spiritual families work hard to offer blessings. They communicate to each other, “You are special just because you are.”</div> <bR> <div> A grandaddy revels in a little girl's joyful impulses.  Jesus sees through the rough exterior of a hardened man and reaches out to his soul.  Think for a moment about who has done the same for you.  Who, past or present, has communicated what a sheer gift you are to creation?</div> <bR> <div> <I>Grace</I></div> <bR> <div>      When I was about 12 years old my friend Marty called.  “Come over right away!” he whispered into the phone.  When I arrived at his house he directed me upstairs to his room. Taking a flashlight, he opened the closet door. “This must be good, whatever it is,” I thought. We crawled to the back of Marty’s closet and he showed me the magazines. These magazines had pictures, and they were not comics! After a period of admiring the women in these magazines Marty revealed his generosity, saying, “Go ahead and tear out a few to take home.” I did. A few days later my dad called me out on to the back porch. We sat down and he took the pictures out of his pocket and began to unfold them. As much as I had enjoyed looking at those pictures with Marty, I was <I>not</I> interested in looking at them with my dad! My father made a few bewildered comments and, with much restraint, got up to leave the room.  “We'll talk more about this later,” he said, shaking. A few nights later, as I was ready to turn the light off at bedtime, my father came into my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. Very gently he said, "Son, I know you're interested in those pictures. But I want you to understand that they are degrading to women, and that's not something our family believes in. You'll have to decide for yourself in the future how you're going to be involved with that kind of stuff, but for now, it's not allowed in our home.  I love you.”</div> <bR> <div> Early next morning [Jesus] returned to the Temple and the entire crowd came to him. So he sat down and began to teach them. But the scribes and Pharisees brought in to him a woman who had been caught in adultery. They made her stand in front, and then said to him, “Now, Master, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. According to the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women to death. Now, what do you say about her?”  But Jesus stooped down and began to write with his finger in the dust on the ground. But as they persisted in their questioning, he straightened himself up and said to them, “Let the one among you who has never sinned let him throw the first stone at her.” Then he stooped down again and continued writing with his finger on the ground. And when they heard what he said, they were convicted by their own consciences and went out, one by one, beginning with the eldest until they had all gone.  Jesus was left alone, with the woman still standing where they had put her. “Where are they all — did no one condemn you?” And she said, “No one, sir.” “Neither do I condemn you,” said Jesus to her. “Go home and do not sin again.”  (John 8:2-11, Phillips Translation).</div> <bR> <div> Young children need strong and “perfect” parents to protect and comfort them as they grow up. Kids need for their parents to be the biggest and best parents in the world because the world can seem like a scary place. As long as they are connected to these wonderful big people, then they can feel safe and secure. Furthermore, it is in relationship to parents that children first envision ideals: “I want to be like mommy,” or “I want to be like daddy.”</div> <bR> <div> Parents can do a good job of filling this role, but they inevitably fail. Two important things happen when parents fail in providing protection and comfort  (assuming that the failure is not traumatic or tragic). First, the child discovers disappointment. In this disappointment the child is learning that he or she cannot expect the parents to always be there to soothe and protect, so the child begins to learn how to take care of herself.  Second, the child learns that these “perfect” parents are not so perfect after all and that, indeed, perfection is not warranted. She finds in the tolerant way the parents treat themselves in the face of failure and in the tolerant way they treat her when she fails, that it can be okay to make mistakes. Not only is failure in the family all right, but it is a necessary experience for maturity to occur.</div> <bR> <div> The Christian tradition has another age old concept which echoes this idea: <I>grace.</I> Blessing is related to who I am. Grace, however, is related to what I do. Grace asserts that I can be okay even when I fail. Grace means that perfection is not required, in myself or in others. Grace is the antidote for guilt.</div> <bR> <div> Two dimensions of grace are described in the Bible. First, grace describes God's overflowing forgiveness of human sinfulness . Second, grace describes God's power to liberate and redeem humanity.  Forgiveness and liberation are central to human motivation. If a person can live life without constant fear of “breaking the rules,” if he knows that his mistakes will not be accounted for on some ledger, then he discovers the freedom to live life fully. Grace encourages risk-taking. When one knows that he can be okay even when he makes mistakes, then he is liberated to take chances.</div> <bR> <div> The opposite grace is <I>intolerance.</I> Living with intolerance teaches people to be intolerant of themselves.  Guilt becomes an overriding emotion and demotivates. Such a person never takes chances, because the cost of making a mistake is just too high.</div> <bR> <div> As noted above, grace provides the foundation for forgiveness. The "object relations psychology" people talk about “splitting”.  Children do not have the emotional sophistication nor emotional strength to deal with the tension between good and bad. Therefore they “split” the world into “good objects” and “bad objects”; witches and fairy godmothers, monsters and heroes, Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys. In the spiritual household, where parents model that it is okay to make mistakes, that “bad” actions do not make one a “bad” person, children slowly learn to integrate good and bad, and hold them in tension. They not only come to accept that mom has a dark side, that teacher has a dark side, that my best friend has a dark side, but that I have a dark side. And this child is going to develop into an adult who knows he is quite capable of doing most of the rotten things to others that others have done to him. And he is going to know that every time he is graceful and forgiving towards another, he is being graceful and forgiving towards himself.  Jesus said, “Don't be pointing out the speck in your neighbor's eye, until you've dealt with the 2" X 4" that is in your own eye”.  Any counselor or minister will tell you that may of the problems for which people seek help have something to do with an inability to forgive, either self or others.</div> <bR> <div> In my experience, spiritual families know how to offer each other grace. These first experiences of grace are critical in early childhood, but we continue to need grace throughout our lives, especially at the times when risk is called for, and we need to take some chances. In my experience, spiritual families work hard to offer grace.  They can often be heard saying things like, “Of course you blew it. Everybody makes mistakes. Now what can we do to get you back on track?”</div> <bR> <div> A dad takes a potentially shameful experience, and turns it into a time of understanding and acceptance. Jesus protects a woman from those who would kill her for her sin. Think for the moment about someone who has done the same for you. Who, past or present, let you know that, even when you have made a tremendous mistake, offered you grace, and communicated that you are still special?</div> <bR> <div> <I>Incarnation</I></div> <bR> <div>      A few years ago I went through the most difficult experience of my professional career.  A part of the fallout involved me taking a job in another town and moving my family from a place they loved.  I recall one particular sleepless night before my family had moved to be with me in our new location.  It was a night in which I could not escape the pain and anxiety which accompanied my decision and the implications for my family.  My memories returned to a scene from junior high.  Dinner was over, and my dad was telling us that we would soon be moving to a different town so he could take advantage of a wonderful business opportunity.  I was anything but graceful in my response to this horrible news.   I made my dad pay with my anger first, followed by weeks of cold silence.  As my sleepless night turned to morning I called my father and shared my pain about the present situation and my past behavior.  He listened with out saying much, and tried to provide as much comfort as he could.  Upon hanging up I decided to drive the 90 miles that separated me from my family so I could spend some extra time with them.  As I entered the house the phone was ringing.  I was surprised to hear my dad's voice on the other end.  "What are you doing next Tuesday?" he asked.  "Nothing out of the ordinary," I answered.  "I just booked a flight to see you. Can you pick me up at the airport at noon?"  My dad flew into town the next Tuesday, and we spent the afternoon hanging out and breaking new conversational ground.</div> <div>              </div> <div>      Now Jesus turned to address his disciples, along with the crowd that had gathered with them.  "The religion scholars and Pharisees are competent teachers in god's Law.  You won't go wrong in following their teachings on Moses.  But be careful about following them.  They talk a good line, but they don't live it.  They don't take it into their hearts and live it out in their behavior.  It's all spit-and-polish veneer.  Instead of giving you God's Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals.  They seem to take pleasure in watching you stagger under these loads, and wouldn't think of lifting a finger to help.  Their lives are perpetual fashion shows, embroidered prayer shawls one day and flowery prayers the next.  They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and get called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.'" (Matthew 23:1-7, <U>The Message</U> Paraphrase by Peterson)</div> <bR> <div> Teaching takes two basic forms: instruction and modeling. Instruction is <I>telling</I> someone what to do. Modeling is <I>living </I>for someone what to do. Which is more powerful? The question is hardly considered arguable. Actions speak louder than words.</div> <bR> <div> Winston Churchill had been enjoying his consumption at a party one evening when a woman who was quite his nemesis in Parliament confronted him with disgust, saying, “Mr. Churchill, you are Drunk!” to which he replied, “And you, Madam, are ugly! But in the morning, I will be sober”. (Edwards, 1976) As Mr. Churchill recognized , there are aspects of persons that are transient, and aspects that are abiding. Modeling reveals that which is abiding.</div> <bR> <div> Children need models. And not just any models, but <I>intimate</I> models. Persons who teach kids what it means to be human by taking time to be with them and to truly know them.  When parents are there to cook, fish, throw frisbees, and worship with their children, then they are teaching kids what it means to be a human being internally. The external job is a cinch compared to the internal job.</div> <bR> <div> A couple of wonderful things happens when children have intimate models in their lives. First, they figure out the ways in which they are just like everyone else.  Second, they discover the ways in which they are unique.</div> <bR> <div> As one might guess, Christianity has another concept which echoes these ideas: <I>Incarnation. </I> Incarnation, in the most general sense, simply refers to the human embodiment of that which is abstract or spiritual.  For example, we say, “He is evil incarnate,” about someone who is particularly nasty.  <I>The </I>Incarnation (big “I”), in the Christian tradition, is Jesus Christ.  When everything that God is, according to Christians, gets wrapped in flesh, then Jesus is what happens.  Jesus is the embodiment of the fundamental goodness of God. Therefore, Jesus became a model of God's goodness.</div> <bR> <div> However, incarnation (little "i"”) also has to do with the way God's unique creation within us in is unpackaged. Each of us has God's spark within, but the spark needs to be fanned into a flame. Christianity asserts that this happens through relationships with people who care about us, who push us, who console us, and who communicate a genuine desire to know us. In other words, our incarnation is spurred on in relationships with other incarnational people.</div> <bR> <div> The opposite of incarnation is manipulation. Parents, rather than living out of their own values, goals and selfhood, begin to manipulate children to meet their own needs. They take the position, out of anxiety, that what God is doing inside of the child cannot be trusted, and so they try to take over . Jesus gave the Pharisees trouble because, in spite of their knowledge and ability to give instruction, they were lousy incarnationalists. Rather than leading by example, providing a model of what a life in God's service could be like, they had become manipulators of the people.</div> <bR> <div> As with blessing and grace, incarnation is very important to children, but it remains important to us throughout life. That's why mentoring relationships, intimate relationships with older and wiser persons, are characteristic of growing adults.  In fact, I would be willing to bet that a certain number of the people who go to therapy don't need a therapist as much as they need a mentor.</div> <bR> <div> In my experience, the spiritual family offers a wonderful mix of incarnational relationships. That is, they want to know more that he facts about each other, they want to know each other in ways that promote growth and maturity.  </div> <bR> <div> A grandmother takes special time to be with and do with her granddaughter. Jesus encourages leaders to stop being moral policemen and to start living out the principles behind the rules. Think for a moment about who has provided incarnational relationships for you. Who, past or present, has invested a portion of his or her life in your life?</div> <bR> <div> <B>CONCLUSION</B></div> <bR> <div> Blessing, grace, and incarnation are the fundamentals of “hide and seek.”  They are characteristic of the spiritual family. The child who is exposed to these spiritual experiences is a child who had been "found"”, and is prepared for a relatively smooth developmental path into adulthood. (Smooth maturation beyond childhood is not, certainly, a foregone conclusion. Development can become untracked in adulthood due to a variety of possible traumas.)</div> <bR> <div> Theology, Philosophy, and Psychology have many disagreements concerning the nature of life and happiness. They do find at least some agreement around an understanding of what makes life difficult. All three describe, in their own ways, the anxiety that comes with feeling incomplete, stuck, and/or isolated. Some ways of thinking propose that a person can overcome this anxiety on his or her own. I believe that is a lie. We do not find ourselves, we are found by others. We are found by those who can show us what it means to take the stance of a student, and allow life to become the teacher. The effectiveness of a parent, a minister or therapist will be determined, to at least some degree, by his or her ability to be a Seeker of all those who are in hiding.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> References</div> <bR> <div> Not all of the following references are quoted in this article, but are offered for those who may have additional interest in the subject.</div> <bR> <div> Arnold, W. (1990). Blessing and Benediction. In R. Hunter(ED.), <I>Dictionary of Pastoral  Care and Counseling</I> (pp.100-101). Nashville: Abingdon Press<I>.</I></div> <bR> <div> Dreyer, E. (1988). Asceticisim Reconsidered<I>.  Weavings, </I>3(6), 6-15.</div> <bR> <div> Eades, W.M. (1989) <I>The Emergence of Mature Self-love: A pastoral-theological interpretation of narcissistic development. </I>Unpublished doctoral dissertation, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Louisville.</div> <bR> <div> Edwards, K. (1976) <I>I Wish I’d Said That: An anthology of witty replies</I>. London” Abelard-Schuman.</div> <bR> <div> Elwood, R. (1990) Religion. In R. Hunter(Ed.) <I>Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling</I> (p.1054). Nashville, Abingdon Press.</div> <bR> <div> Fulgum, R. (1988). <I>All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten</I>. New York: Random House.</div> <bR> <div> Hunter, R. (1990) Grace and pastoral care. In R. Hunter (Ed.), <I>Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling </I>(pp. 100-101). Nashville: Abingdon Press.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. (1996). Forms and transformations of narcissism. <I>Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association,</I> 14, 243-272.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. (1971) <I>The Analysis of the Self. </I>New York: International Universities Press</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, . (1972) Thoughts on narcissism and narcissistic rage.<I> Psychoanalytic Study of</I> the <I>Child</I>, 27, 360-400<I>.</I></div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. (1977).<I>  The Restoration of the Self.</I> New York: International Universities Press.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. (1978a)<I> The Psychology of the Self</I>. New York: International Universities Press.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H.  (1978b). <I>The Search for the Self. </I>New York; International Universities Press.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H.  (1979). Two analyses of Mr. Z. <I> International Journal of Psycho-analysis </I>60, 3-27.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. & Wolf, E. (1982) The disorders of the self and their treatment: an outline. <I>     International Journal of           Psychoanalysis</I> 59, 417.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. (1984). <I>How Does Analysis Cure? </I>Chicago: University of Chicago Press.</div> <bR> <div> Kohut, H. 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