	a.	"It is the thesis of this book that all clergymen and clergywomen, irrespective of faith, are simultaneously involved in three distinct families whose emotional forces interlock: the families within the congregation, our congregations, and our own."
		i.	Unresolved issues in any one of these areas can produce symptoms in the others.
		ii.	Increased understanding in one area increases functioning in all.
	b.	"From a family systems point of view, stress is less the result of some quantitative notion such as 'overwork' And more the effect of our position in the triangle of our families. It is always possible to handle more stress when we are doing it for ourselves than when we have taken it on for a relationship, no less than for a set of conflicting connections." (1)
	c.	"In fact, family theory suggests that leadership is itself a therapeutic modality." (2)
	d.	"Leadership has inherent power because effecting a change in relationships systems is facilitated more fundamentally by how leaders function within their families than by the quantity of their expertise. What is vital to changing any kind of family is not knowledge of technique or even of pathology, but, rather, the capacity of the family leader to...
		i.	Define his or her own goals and values...
		ii.	While trying to maintain a nonanxious presence within the system." (2-3)
	e.	When it comes to facilitating change, "clarity may be more important than empathy." (3)
	f.	"There is an intrinsic relationship between our capacity to put families together and our ability to put ourselves together." (3)
	g.	"The sickness is in the way society wants us to cope with our specialties: by becoming expert, by assuming that our effectiveness lies in walking an unending treadmill of always trying to learn all we can, despite the fact that we live in a world where even the best specialists can no longer cover more than a corner of their field." (3)
	h.	We have tended to emphasize pathology in counseling, which effects the field in two ways
		i.	It is not clear that knowledge of pathology is necessary to healing. Healing is effected more by existential categories: vision, hope, imagination, and differentiation from other's anxiety.
		ii.	No one is in a better position to deal with families than clergy.
			(1)	Multigenerational forces are always at work in congregations.
			(2)	Ministers are present during rites of passage.
			(3)	Ministers have lengthy periods of time in which to know individuals and families.
			(4)	Ministers have entree' because they are often leaders.
	i.	"Thus, to whatever extent we can use our unique access to families to foster emotional healing, we are always at every moment preparing the way for other, more spiritual experiences to come later." (7)

	Part I: Family Theory

1.	Chapter One: The idea of a family
	a.	Historical Perspective
		i.	A Modern Reformation
		ii.	Systems Thinking
			(1)	Systems Thinking and the Family
			(2)	Systems Thinking and Change
	b.	Family Systems Theory: Five Basic Concepts
		i.	The Identified Patient: "The concept of the identified patient, as stated earlier, is that the family member with the obvious symptom is to be seen not as the 'sick one' but as the one in whom the family's stress or pathology has surfaced." (19)
			(1)	The Family as a unit of Treatment
			(2)	The Family Projection Process
			(3)	Ramifications for Counseling
		ii.	Homeostasis (Balance): Homeostasis refers to"the tendency of any set of relationships to strive perpetually, in self-corrective ways, to preserve the organizing principles of its existence." (23)
			(1)	Symptom and Position
			(2)	Two Kinds of Interdependency
		iii.	Differentiation of the Self: Differentiation refers to a person's "capacity for some awareness of (his or her) own position in the relationship system" and his or her ability to change that position through self clarity. (27)
			(1)	Scale of Differentiation
			(2)	Leadership and the Scale
		iv.	Extended Family Field: "...family theory sees the entire network of the extended family system as important, and the influence of that network is considered to be significant in the here and now as well." (31)
			(1)	Differentiation and Family of Origin
		v.	Emotional Triangle
			(1)	"The basic law of emotional triangles is that when any two parts of a system become uncomfortable with one another, they will 'triangle in' or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stabilizing their own relationship with another." (35)
			(2)	The seven laws of an emotional triangle
				(a)	The third side of a triangle is part of the relational homeostasis
				(b)	If one is the third side of a triangle, it is usually not possible to bring about change in the relationship of the other two in a direct manner.
				(c)	Homeostatic forces sabotage attempts to bring about change in the other two sides of a triangle.
				(d)	To the extent that the third party to a triangle tries to change the relationship of the other two sides, the more likely that the third party will end up with the stress for the other two. (Which is why the "dysfunctional" member of a family is often not the weakest, but rather the one who is trying to take responsibility for the whole system).
				(e)	The various triangles in any system are usually interlocked so that attempts to change any one of the triangles are resisted by all of the others.
				(f)	One side of a triangle tends to be more conflicted than the others. In healthy systems the conflicted moves around the triangle, while in unhealthy systems the conflict stays focused in one place.
				(g)	"We can only change a relationship to which we belong.....To the extent we can maintain a 'nonanxious presence' in a triangle, such a stance has the potential to modify the anxiety in the others." (39)

2.	Chapter Two: Understanding Family Process (Benefits for the clergy) (10 RULES)
	a.	Emotional Distance: "When family members use physical distance to solve problems of emotional interdependency, the result is always temporary, or includes a transference of the problem to another relationship system." (41)
	b.	Loss and Replacement: "To the extent a family rushes to replace loss, its pain will be lessened, but so will the potential for change that the loss made possible." (42)
	c.	Chronic Conditions: "If a problem is chronic (perpetual or recurrent), there must be reactive or adaptive feedback from somewhere in the system to sustain it." (45)
	d.	Pain and Responsibility: "If one family member can successfully increase his or her threshold for another's pain, the other's own threshold will also increase, thus expanding his or her range of functioning." (47)
	e.	The Paradox of Seriousness and the Playfulness of Paradox: "The seriousness with which families approach their problems can be more the cause of their difficulties than the effect of the problems. Efforts directed at the seriousness itself often will eliminate the problem." (50)
	f.	Secrets and Systems: "Family secrets act as the plaque in the arteries of communication; they cause stoppage in the general flow and not just at the point of their existence." (52)
		i.	Secrets serve to divide a system
		ii.	Secrets effect unnecessary estrangements and false companionships
		iii.	Secrets distort perceptions
		iv.	Secrets exacerbate other pathological processes which are unrelated to the particular secret because secrets tend to keep the system anxiety high.
	g.	Sibling Position: "The position we occupy within the sibling constellation of our nuclear family of origin foreshadows our expectations of the opposite as well as the same sex, our degree of comfort with our own various offspring, and our style of leadership in succeeding nuclear groupings." (54)
	h.	Diagnosis
		i.	"The diagnosis of individual family members stabilizes family homeostasis and makes it more difficult for the diagnosed member to change." (56)
		ii.	"...anxious systems diagnose people instead of their relationships." (58)
	i.	Symmetry : "In emotional life, every cause can produce exactly opposite effects and every effect could have come from exactly opposite causes, with the result that the more polarized things seem to be in a family, the more likely they are somehow connected." (58)
	j.	Survival in Families
		i.	Any organism will survive in a "hostile" environment based on the richness and flexibility of its coping skills.
		ii.	Coping well results in...
			(1)	a change in the organism, and/or
			(2)	a change in the environment promoted by the organism.
		iii.	There are two kinds of hostile environments
			(1)	Those where the human response is irrelevant
			(2)	Those where the human response can make a difference.
		iv.	"Much of what we label stress is the response of the organism rather than the impact of the environment." (63)

	Section II: The Families within the Congregation

	Pastoral Counseling rests on three fundamental principles: (these are WME's thoughts, not Friedman's)
		1. Persons must be challenged to become the Self that God has created them to be.
		2. Persons must become this Self through acting in redemptive ways within relationships.
		3. Persons must be encouraged to resist the anxiety that the redemptive path generates.

3.	The Marital Bond
	a.	The Myth of Incompatibility
		i.	"Incompatibility in marriage has less to do with the differences than with what is causing them to stand out at any given time." (68)
		ii.	Marriage is always intimately connected to two "emotional fields."
			(1)	the nuclear family
			(2)	the extended families of origin of both partners
	b.	A Systemic View of Marriage
		i.	The Nuclear Family
			(1)	Problems in the nuclear family can surface in any of three areas
				(a)	in the marriage itself, as conflict, distance, or divorce
				(b)	in the physical and/or emotional health of one of the partners
				(c)	in the physical and/or emotional health of one of the kids, a relational problem with one of the parents or siblings.
			(2)	Marriages are successful to the degree that the nuclear family is symptom free.
			(3)	Human marriages never rate better than 70% on this scale.
		ii.	The Extended Family
			(1)	Perhaps a major difference in the modern marriage is the "attenuation" of extended families.
			(2)	Problems in the church can be due to attempts by persons to replace the extended family with the church family.
	c.	A System's Approach to Counseling
		i.	Pastors can invoke change in families by focusing on the process, rather than the content of conflict.
		ii.	Pastors occupy a unique position in the conflicts that surface in marriages.
		iii.	Three Configurations
			(1)	The Couple seen together
				(a)	The Counselor as a catalyst for self-definition
					(i)	The purpose is not to get the couple to agree, but rather to define their positions.
					(ii)	The counselor allows the couple to "overhear" each other as they talk to the counselor
					(iii)	The counselor asks questions (rather than giving answers) that draw out self-definition
					(iv)	"Asking questions is a great way to remain both non-anxious and present." (72)
				(b)	Detriangling
					(i)	The counselor stays in touch with, but stays out of the marital triangle.
					(ii)	Detriangling occurs when the counselor shares the information given by one of the partners.
					(iii)	The counselor must avoid promising to keep secrets.
			(2)	Coaching one partner with the focus on the relationship
				(a)	The attending partner is coached to get out of the feedback position and become more self-defining.
				(b)	The attending partner is usually an overfunctioner.
				(c)	Coaching attempts to stimulate strength in a family rather than shore up weakness.
				(d)	Components of the coaching model
					(i)	The partner being coached is encouraged to gain an understanding of the emotional system, and to understand how his or her feedback into the system retards change.
					(ii)	The attending partner is encouraged to focus on his or her own course.
						1)	This lowers the attending partners dependency on the system and
						2)	often results in the recalcitrant partner becoming a pursuer.
					(iii)	Avoid making the motivated partner into the identified patient.
					(iv)	"Defect in Place" - Leaving the system emotionally without leaving physically.
					(v)	"Fundamental change in a relationship does not begin when the partner being coached starts to change his or her own functioning. It comes about when, after initiating changes and after the other partner reacts, the differentiating partner is able to avoid getting triangled in the other's automatic reactivity." (82)
					(vi)	Coaching also involves the straightforward definition of positions, which can be called an "I" stand.
					(vii)	"A self is more attractive than a no-self." (86)
			(3)	Coaching either partner with the focus on the extended Family
				(a)	"...working on our own extended family is coming to grips with that which is most exclusively our own. It is the source of all differentiation." (87)
				(b)	Interlocking triangles: Differentiation in one triangle leads to unlocking the connected triangles.
	d.	A Systems Approach to Premarital Counseling.
		i.	The Failure of Premarital Counseling
			(1)	Friedman says that PreMC has failed to effect the divorce rate because it focuses too much on the relationship of the couple, and not enough on the family of origin issues. (It should be noted that research indicates the PreMC has effected the divorce rate.)
			(2)	Issues of leaving and entering abound in the preparation for marriage.
		ii.	Approaches that can be helpful
			(1)	Family History
			(2)	Communicating with Courting Couples
				(a)	People generally hear you only when they are coming toward you. PreM couples are moving toward each other and away from everyone else, so they often fail to hear advice.
				(b)	PreM couples have also yet to "fuse" in such away as to bring out the F-o-O issues. This doesn't occur until after the vows.
		iii.	PreM couples tend to judge the potential for a good marriage too much on compatibility, rather than on differentiation.
		iv.	Ministers often create the same issues when "courting" a new congregation.

4.	Child-Focused Families
	a.	The Child-Focusing Process
		i.	Children are often symptom bearers because they are lowest on the hierarchy.
		ii.	Children are the most helpless, and so they rarely can turn the attention back to the members of the family with the actual issues.
	b.	Advantages for the Clergy
		i.	Clergy can't possibly be knowledgeable in all areas of treatment, so the systems approach is good because it does not depend on expertise.
		ii.	Intervening between the child and parents can be difficult because the parents are also the minister's "bosses."
		iii.	However, the history of the minister with the family can bring a power to the intervention.

	c.	Family Leadership
		i.	"One of the most prevalent characteristics of families with disturbed children is the absence or the involution of relational hierarchy." (102)
		ii.	Self-definition changes the nature of the relationship between the leader (parent) and the follower (child).
		iii.	Communication: The leader does not use language to force ideas into the follower's head. Rather, the leader uses language to define his or her own being.
		iv.	"Children have a right to be heard, but parents have an obligation to be clear." (104)
	d.	Three Emotional Coordinates
		i.	Reciprocity: Research suggests that when mom's anxiety goes down the child's behavior gets worse, and when the child's behavior gets better, mom's anxiety goes up.
		ii.	Fathers: "An emotionally distant male is a necessary precondition for the perpetuation of an intense mother-child relationship." (105). The males role is felt in how he relates to the mother-child relationship rather than with his direct relationship to the child.
		iii.	Mothers of mothers: Research suggest the mothers who are anxious in relation to their children rarely have/had comfortable relationships with their mothers. Including grandparents in the counseling can be very important.
	e.	The Systems Approach
		i.	Parents with Child
		ii.	Coaching One Parent with the Emphasis on the Nuclear Family
		iii.	Coaching Mother Alone with the Emphasis on the Extended Family
		iv.	Coaching Father Alone with the Emphasis on the Extended Family

5.	Body and Soul in Family Process
	a.	A New Medical Model
		i.	The split between body and soul in our culture is a significant problem.
		ii.	New research suggests that physical and emotional conditions must both be present.
		iii.	Physical dysfunction in one member of a family can be viewed as a family symptom. (My comment: But be aware of any form of reductionism!)
	b.	New Medical Thinking on the Relationship of Body and Soul
		i.	Autonomic Nervous System: Biofeedback has been successful in giving persons control of emotional factors in physical illness.
		ii.	Endocrine System: Emotional stress in the system can keep the endocrine system in a heightened state of functioning for abnormal periods of time.
		iii.	Immunological System: The immune system can be compromised during periods of high emotional stress. "...Under certain conditions...an organism's immune system will lose the capacity to distinguish self from non-self and, in the face of challenge, attack its own being. This has been dubbed the auto immune response." (128)
		iv.	Genetics: Genetics is teaching us that there is an element of "predestination" in our make-up. However, this must not be confused with causation which leads to victimization. Persons have some control over the ways in which genetic characteristics develop.
	c.	The Identified Physical Patient
		i.	Emotional Stress and Physiology
			(1)	"Physiological stress is not the outside pressure of the impacting force upon a person but the body's own response to that pressure." (129)
			(2)	"Stress itself is a nonspecific response of the body." (130)
			(3)	"Individuals and perhaps families tend to express their stress in ways that are idiosyncratic." (130)
			(4)	"...it is chronic stress rather than acute stress that tends to promote the most serious symptoms." (130)
		ii.	Homeostasis: Systems seek homeostasis the same way as bodies, and helps explain the presence of an identified patient. If the symptom is addressed with out addressing the chronic stress, the symptom will simply reappear.
		iii.	The Malignant Family Position: One's place in the system can have a bigger impact on symptoms than personal factors.
		iv.	A Family Systems View of Physical Health
			(1)	Smooth functioning systems can be seen at both ends of the continuum: differentiation and dependency.
			(2)	Dependency buys health at the cost of illness elsewhere.
			(3)	"The less well-differentiated a family relationship system, the more probability exists that stress in any family member can produce dysfunction in any other family member." (135)
			(4)	In well differentiated family systems, one's personal health is more dependent upon one's own decisions and actions.
			(5)	When clergy support differentiation in a family system, they support the overall health of the system.
	d.	A Family Systems Approach to Visitation (Case Studies)

6.	When the Parent Becomes a Child
	a.	Aging: A Family Symptom
		i.	The aging process is effected by the family system
		ii.	When aging is accepted within the family system, then the aged members of the family function with dignity and confidence.
		iii.	Do not confuse genuine acceptance of the aged with mere changes in family behavior (i.e., including the aged in the family dinner...)
	b.	Benefits for the Clergy
		i.	"To the extent that we are content to emphasize care-taking approaches to the elderly, we miss an excellent opportunity to affect, on the most primary level, our own relationships within our congregation." (149)
		ii.	Congregational members view us objectively to the degree they were able to achieve differentiation from their parents.
		iii.	The minister will react to "transference" in a way consistence with his or her own differentiation within the family of origin.
	c.	Aging and the Intergenerational Cycle
		i.	"Parents who tended to infantilize their children as they raised them are likely to receive a similar approach in return from their children who now must parent them." (150)
		ii.	"Whenever the generation 'in the middle' is able to respond in growth-producing ways toward its elders, there is almost always a similar effect on their biological children." (151)
	d.	Family Resistance: Homeostatic resistance seems particularly high within the context of family relational problems. Attempts by overfunctioners are met with resistance from overprotective members.
		i.	Family triangles usually have a long history around the aged member of the family.
		ii.	Professional care-givers often have a lot of unfinished business with their own parents.
		iii.	There is a tendency to focus on physical issues rather spiritual or emotional.

7.	A Family Approach to Life-Cycle Ceremonies
	a.	A Family View of Life-Cycle Events
	b.	The "Breakdown" of the Family
	c.	Cultural Camouflage
	d.	Passage and Ceremony
	e.	Death and Funerals
		i.	Crisis as Opportunity
	f.	Critical Illness
	g.	Marriage and Weddings
		i.	In-law Problems
		ii.	The Lighter Side
		iii.	Preparations and Passage
	h.	Birth (Baptism, Bris)
		i.	Effect on the family
		ii.	A Multigenerational View of Conception
		iii.	Naming Ceremonies
	i.	Modern Passages
		i.	Divorce
		ii.	Retirement
		iii.	Geographical Change

	Section III: The Congregation as a Family System

8.	Family Process and Organizational Life
	a.	Congregational Family Process
		i.	Systems thinking applies to congregations as readily as it does to personal families.
		ii.	Change can be brought about in congregational systems by focusing on the personal families of the clergy or of the lay leaders.
	b.	Family Theory and Work Systems
		i.	Most clergy have trouble distinguishing between what is work-life and what is home-life.
		ii.	Friedman uses six examples of work "families" to illustrate systems principals.
	c.	Religious Organizations: Six Principles have particular relevance.
		i.	Homeostasis: Several factors can effect homeostasis
			(1)	Changes in the family of the spiritual leader
				(a)	major changes in the personal or extended family
				(b)	professional change
			(2)	Changes in the families of key leaders
			(3)	Changes in the long-term constituency of the parish.
			(4)	Changes in the church families professional leadership
				(a)	hiring, firing, resignations
				(b)	rise of elimination of interpersonal conflict between two professional leaders.
			(5)	Changes in the extended family of the church hierarchy or the parish system.
				(a)	death of a founder, builder, or charismatic organizer
				(b)	restructuring (decentralizing, recentralizing, creating more or fewer subgroupings)
				(c)	anxiety related to congregational ethnic groupings
		ii.	Process and Content
			(1)	Peace attained by focusing on content will not last.
			(2)	Defocusing Content: Clergy must spot the "red herrings" of content for what they are.
				(a)	This allows the clergy to reduce anxiety and take a self-defined stance.
				(b)	Allows clergy to avoid fleeting change based on "fake-outs"
			(3)	"Every time members of a congregation begin to concentrate on their minister's 'performance,' there is a good chance they are displacing something from their own personal lives." (208)
		iii.	Non Anxious Presence
			(1)	"To the extent we are anxious ourselves, then, when anxiety in the congregation permeates or being, it becomes potentiated and feeds back into the congregational family at a higher voltage" (208)
			(2)	Two aspects of the non-anxious presence
				(a)	Playfulness: clergy help process by being paradoxical, challenging, earthy, "crazy," and even "devilish."
				(b)	Dangers of Diagnosis: Diagnostic thinking is the opposite of playfulness, and intensifies anxiety.
			(3)	"Hostile congregational environments never victimize automatically. The response of clergy to their environment is almost always the main factor that determines how harmful it will be." (210)
		iv.	Overfunctioning
			(1)	"One of the most universal complaints from clergy of all faiths is the feeling of being stuck with all the responsibility." (211)
			(2)	Overfunctioning is always an anxious response.
			(3)	Overfunctioning is a way of being obsessed with everyone's salvation but one's own.
		v.	Triangles
			(1)	Staff Triangles
			(2)	Parishioner Triangles
			(3)	Triangles and Life-Cycle Events: Life-cycle events generate normal anxiety, and so heighten the likelihood of the system to create triangles.
		vi.	Identified Patient
			(1)	Burnout and the Individual Model: This model tends to see burnout as a symptom of the leader.
			(2)	A Systems View of Burnout: Focuses on the characteristics of the system in which the "identified patient" has developed.
				(a)	Degree of isolation between the congregation and other congregations of similar faith in the community.
				(b)	Degree of distance between lay leadership and general membership.
				(c)	Degree to which lay leadership has invested all or most of its emotional life in the congregation.
				(d)	Degree to which lay leadership has intense interdependent relationships.
				(e)	Degree to which lay leadership struggles to take well-defined positions.
			(3)	"One of the most astounding facts about organized religious life in America is the extent to which professional clergy organizations and hierarchies permit religious institutions get away with blaming all the crashes on 'pilot error'". (218)

9.	Leadership and Self in a Congregational Family
		i.	"It will be the thesis of this chapter that the overall health and functioning of any organization depend primarily on one or two people at the top..." (221)
	b.	The Position at the Top: Congregations seem to function in a similar way as sports teams.
	c.	The Paradoxical Triangles of Resistance--Two Characteristics
		i.	Inertial Passivity: When leaders try to "change" their followers, they almost always assume...
			(1)	...that the followers don't know what's good for them.
			(2)	...that failure means the leader did not try hard enough.
		ii.	Active Sabotage: "People choose leaders because they promise to lead them to a happier or more fruitful state, but after the election, the followers invariably function, either individually or in concert, to frustrate their leaders' efforts." (224)

Christopher Avery (organizational development professional in Austin Texas) notes that motivating people is not about trying to get them excited about your goals, its about discovering which goals excite them, and then creating the atmosphere in which they can reach them.

	e.	Leadership and the Charisma-Consensus Continuum
		i.	Charisma
			(1)	Charismatic style of leadership can indeed galvanize a system
			(2)	It seems to work best with systems that are despondent. "Demagoguery, whether it is political, religious, or therapeutic, is always most attractive in a 'depression.'" (226)
			(3)	Charismatic leadership has some problems
				(a)	It can polarize as well as unify within the family because of the emphasis on emotion that this style of leadership relies on.
				(b)	It can create polarization between the family and other systems.
				(c)	It has difficulty with succession.
				(d)	It is ultimately not healthy for the leader.
				(e)	Charismatic leaders tend to create clones rather than individuals.
		ii.	Consensus
			(1)	Consensus leadership is prepared to wait longer for results.
			(2)	It values peace over progress and feelings over ideas.
			(3)	Basic problems of Consensus leadership
				(a)	Consensus leadership often leads to less imagination.
				(b)	Groups without a clear leader are more easily panicked.
				(c)	Emphasis on consensus gives strength to extremists.
				(d)	Consensus is a guarantee against xenophobia or polarization.
		iii.	The Leverage of the Dependent: When the leader waits on the group in order to move, then those who are dependent are in control.
		iv.	Reduction of Conflict of Wills: It takes two in order to have a conflict of wills. Self-differentiation is not concerned with reacting to the will of the "other," and so avoids this game.
		v.	Disciples versus Clones
			(1)	"...leaders have an obligation, to their family (following), to their Creator, and to their species, to keep working at their own self-differentiation." (233)
			(2)	"The leader who accepts this model not only creates in God's image, he or she images God's model for creation." (233)
		vi.	Leadership through self-differentiation keeps the functioning of the whole from becoming dependent on the functioning of the leader.

	f.	Congregational Leadership Through Self-Differentiation
		i.	A Leadership Crisis in a Synagogue
			(1)	The Process of Change
			(2)	The New Family System
		ii.	A Leadership Crisis in a Church
			(1)	Family History
			(2)	A Congregational Family Session
			(3)	Coaching the Ministerial Nuclear Family

10.	Leaving and Entering a Congregational Family
	a.	"It has been argued that problems in a congregational family can be the residue of emotional processes carried over from pervious generations. The exact same transmission occurs with congregational families. Nor does the similarity end there. As with personal families, such processes tend to be perpetuated by, or originated during, transition periods. There is great irony here because... the major way to exorcize the demons that travel this multigenerational path falls within the clergy's own expertise, namely, rites of passage. Such nodal periods have the same natural therapeutic efficacy in the life of a church or synagogue, with potential long-range benefits for both the congregational family and its separating partner." (250-251)
	b.	The Lame Duck Myth
		i.	Traditionally, clergy have been instructed to disconnect once having made the decision to leave a congregation. This "all or nothing" approach to separation is damaging.
		ii.	The extreme forms of separation are "cutting off" and "hanging on."
	c.	A Systems Approach to Separating
		i.	The terminal period of a relationship can be very fruitful for a congregational family.
		ii.	The way a clergyperson functions during the ending phase of the relationship can reinforce the messages that have been articulated by that person all along.
		iii.	Good endings also allow for the removal of baggage, and a fresher start on the next relationship, for both the congregation and the clergyperson.
	d.	A Systems Approach to Entering
		i.	Entering a congregation is analogous to marrying a person who has children.
		ii.	One should pay attention to the "engagement period" of the relationship.
		iii.	Understanding the family history of the new "spouse" can be very helpful.
	e.	The Religious Hierarchy as an Extended System.
		i.	The religious hierarchy has emotional processes that effect the clergy-congregation relationship.
		ii.	One needs to pay attention to the triangles in this system.
		iii.	In certain systems, the hierarchy represents the boss of the clergy. (Trying to minister in this system can be like trying to do marriage counseling with a brother...)
		iv.	Transition periods can be a good time to deal with hierarchical triangles, so the clergyperson needs to understand the nature of these triangles. (In the Baptist system, if a prospective minister can learn about the triangles in the pastor-deacon system, than he/she can negotiate in a way to start transforming these triangles before he/she ever arrives.)
		v.	An example of coaching: "The most important point is this: Far more than conflict resolution was accomplished. The process approach to resolution, rather than simply dealing with the content of the issues, managed to dissolve much of the emotional residue of the congregation's previous unworked-out marriage." (256)
	f.	A Strategy for Separating: 4 Elements
		i.	Emotional Reactivity
			(1)	Reactivity is a sign of fusion.
			(2)	If the "jilter" commits to regulating his or her own reactivity then the separation will be facilitated.
		ii.	Permitting Reactivity in Others
			(1)	It is important that one not try to squash the reactivity of others in response to the separation.
			(2)	The ability to allow the reactivity without responding allows both partners to move on with less baggage.
		iii.	Engaging Actively in the Transition Process
			(1)	There seems to be a tendency to react to transitions by becoming either over-involved or by removing oneself completely.
			(2)	The pastor can offer insight on the process without controlling the process.
			(3)	"One of the great ironies that clergy will find at such moments, analogous to personal divorce, is that their partner is at last making the changes they had sought to bring about for years." (260)
		iv.	Staying in Touch after the "Divorce"
			(1)	A healthy relationship with the congregation after transition can also facilitate healthy separation.
			(2)	The minister must avoid triangling ("Our new minister just can't preach like you...")
			(3)	We can let former congregants attack our successor without becoming emotionally involved.
			(4)	The example of leaving (261ff) is very instructive.
				(a)	"...the most intensely negative members of a congregational family were as invested personally in their spiritual leaders as those who were the most positive to him."
				(b)	"I had not realized yet that the separation process only created the enabling factors that permitted or precluded the ultimate working through, ap process that would take years, and maybe only could really begin after the official termination of the relationship." (264)
				(c)	Successful transitions depend upon "the previous partner's being able to let go--but stay connected." (266)
	g.	Strategies for Entering a Congregational Family
		i.	Two variables contribute to the "residue" from the previous minister
			(1)	The length of the congregations "marriages" to previous ministers and those minister's leadership styles
			(2)	How the previous "breakups" were handled.
		ii.	A Three-fold strategy for entering from family systems theory. (269)
			(1)	Avoid interfering with or rearranging the triangles in the established relationship system.
				(a)	Do not suggest changes, rather, express ideas.
				(b)	Keep in mind that emotional reactions to change are probably less about the content of the idea, but more about what the change portends for established triangles.
			(2)	Be wary of efforts by members of the congregation to triangle you with the "departed" or with other members of the system.
				(a)	Attempts to triangle can be very subtle, and lead to ambush.
				(b)	All triangling remarks are residue.
			(3)	Work at creating as many direct one-to-one relationships as possible with key members of the "family."
				(a)	Creating these relationships should take priority over introducing programs for the first 1-2 years.
				(b)	Pay special attention to relationships with those who have influence.
				(c)	Becoming the new "head" of a family is akin to a transplant. It takes a while for the graft to take.
		iii.	Choosing a new Partner: Important questions to ask: (272-273)
			(1)	How and when was the congregation originally created? To what extent did it form out of the needs of the community or the natural coming together of the founders, and to what extent was it a splinter group from an established congregation?
			(2)	To what extent are the founding members still in power or present in the congregation at all?
			(3)	In what ways does the congregational charter (constitution) reflect the intensity of its origins?
			(4)	How many different spiritual leaders has the congregation had, and is the average length of those partnerships significantly different from the overall average of one's faith group?
			(5)	What has been the nature of the congregations's previous separations? To what extent have they been mutual; to what extent has the congregation been the initiator; and to what extent has the clergyman or clergywoman been the initiator
			(6)	If any of the previous separations have been stormy or traumatic, what has been the nature of subsequent separations or relationships?
			(7)	What major homeostatic changes have occurred in the emotional system of the congregation recently, for example, geographical relocation, completion of new building (or a wing), or changes in lay leadership, recent leaving of other professionals who have been there a long time (including, especially, volunteer secretaries)? Have any other congregations of the same faith group been created nearby?
			(8)	What is the relationship of the congregation to the local community and its faith community? What is its reputation in those extended systems and the extent of its involvement? Has there been any recent, abrupt change?
			(9)	How do members of the congregation talk about their previous partner? To what extent is there clearly unresolved intensity (positive or negative), and to what extent do they immediately try to triangle you with him or her; for instance, how much and how do they a-mention him or her in the interview or early contacts?
			(10)	Test the emotional system by taking some stands about what you believe and observing the response. To what extent do the interviewers respond with their own "I" positions; do what extent to they try to engage you argumentatively?
			(11)	Listen for the triangles (factions) within. Do they seek a well-defined leader or just someone to keep the peace?

	Section IV: The Personal Families of the Clergy

11.	The Immediate Family: Conflicts and Traps
	a.	The Similarity of Clergy and Parishioner Families
		i.	The notion that clergy families are different from other families is a myth.
			(1)	The only exception may be the intensity of the emotional interlock between work and home.
			(2)	Clergy parents tend to attempt control of their kids out of concern for the parent's image.
		ii.	Parishioners sometimes have the same expectations of the family as they do of the clergyperson, which is a type of role fusion on the part of the congregation.
	b.	The Disadvantage of Thinking We're Different
		i.	When clergy think they are different, they promote a content rather than a process focus.
		ii.	Members of the clergy family may think of themselves as victims of their role as clergy family.
			(1)	The clergy spouse: "For example, ministers' wives who lead adaptive lives, as doctors' wives often do, frequently say that they gave up their 'self' because their husband's job was so important to humanity. But most of those same women would have been adaptive to a chimney sweep." (281)
			(2)	Clergy Kids: There is no evidence that frequent relocation necessarily leads to insecurity in kids.
		iii.	Clergy families, like other families, may focus on sociological differences when they want to deny dysfunctional family processes.
		iv.	Thinking of clergy families as the same as other families will promote responsibility and call for the particular strengths of the family.
	c.	Three Nuclear Families (Examples) (One Note: Friedman points out that there is a tendency to blame children's problems on raising them without proper values rather than from emotional processes in the family.)

12.	The Extended Family: Its Potential for Salvation
	a.	An Extended Family Experience
	b.	Generation to Generation
		i.	"A major theme of this work has been the significance of anyone's family of origin for his or her functioning in other systems. It has been emphasized throughout that not only does our position in our extended families affect how we function in other relationships, but also that efforts to gain better differentiation of self in that extended field will have corresponding effects at home , at work, and on our health." (295-296)
	c.	Particular Significance of Self Differentiation for the Clergy
		i.	Differentiation within the context of family will almost always effect functioning in one's vocation
		ii.	This is because as we become clear about who we are, we become clearer about our life goals.
		iii.	Most decisions to enter the clergy are influenced by family of origin issues.
		iv.	Family anxiety can lead us towards either moralism or a loss of morals. Each position is self-destructive. Differentiation enables us to avoid these traps.
		v.	Clergy are often treated as different within their extended families (identified clergyperson).
			(1)	Sometimes we are asked to bring our expertise to the family table.
			(2)	At these times there is a danger that we will be further locked into our role.
		vi.	If not careful, we can be "professionalized right out of the intimacy." (297)
		vii.	"The way out of this bind is, on the one hand, not to be afraid to function as other family members would at such times, and not be afraid to utilize our expertise and experience, but, on the other hand, to make sure to involve other family members in the process also." (297)
	d.	Three Extended Families
	e.	Full Circle
	And so we have come full circle. Here is the ultimate reciprocity among all our families.
	1.	To the extent that we can learn to define ourselves within the emotional triangles of our families of origin, to the same extent will we have the increased capacity to do this in any of our other relationship systems.
	2.	And in the process of doing so, our position in that set of interlocking triangles will become converted from a source of stress to a source of strength and survival.
	3.	It is at this point, also, that we can see most clearly how leadership can become a more fundamental healing modality than expertise, both for others and ourselves.
	4.	Increased self-differentiation in a family leader, in particular the ability to treat his or her own personal crises and transitions as opportunities for growth (rather than as hostile environments that victimize or which must be escaped), has immediate ramifications throughout all interlocking family systems.
	5.	This is true for any leader of course, but for members of the clergy, because of the special entree afforded by virtue of our community position, such effect on our followers is a "natural" process.
	6.	In other words, it works this way not because we consciously "model a role" for others to emulate, but because of the nature of our connectedness. (309)