On Keeping Power

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="enneagram.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id494.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Alcoholics Anon. Mtgs."><U>Alcoholics Anon. Mtgs.</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> “In general, we keep our power by protecting the power of others.”  I have these words taped to my computer at home.  I wrestle with them often.  The words usually win.  </div> <bR> <div> Today as I wrestle I'm thinking about a couple in another city who once came to me for counseling.  I'll call them James and Lisa.  Their life together was challenged by almost every imaginable crisis.  Both had histories of multiple affairs, domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse, and financial setbacks.  Adding to the sense of misery was the presence of their young child who, of course, stood to pay the biggest price for their choices.  Every once in a while a couple comes through the door for whom a happy marriage seems a radical impossibility.  On these very rare occasions I find myself thinking, "Okay, if I can just help them head in separate directions without doing any more damage to each other...."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="15" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="712" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF HEIGHT= 110 WIDTH="674"><div> <I><B>In general, we keep our power by protecting the power of others.</B></I>              </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >          </FONT>  Thomas Moore, <I><U>Care of the Soul</U></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Its interesting to me that the two most striking images of power within the Christian faith are a baby in a manger and a cross...</B></I></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> Every good therapist will tell you that his or her most dramatic cases are a mystery.  Sometimes it seems I'm simply the lucky person who boards the bus just as the bus begins to head in a new direction.  Such was the situation with this couple.</div> <bR> <div> James and Lisa changed their marriage. First, they admitted they had both spent their entire relationship trying to figure out new and creative ways to manipulate, frustrate, anger and get even with each other.  Each was keenly aware of how to get power over the other in both subtle and not so subtle ways.  Second, they both made decisions to stop it.  Third, as we talked about what it might look like if they used their power to love each other rather than manipulate each other I said, "How about if you do these actions...?"  Fourth, they did them!  And Fifth, James and Lisa <U>chose</U>  to stop blaming each other for past "crimes."  All of this occurred in the space of a couple of months.</div> <bR> <div> I still recall the amazement expressed by the two of them when they came to my office after the first happy week together either could remember.  They each felt more powerful because of new constructive uses they'd each made of their power.</div> <bR> <div> Now this is no fairy tale kind of story.  These two did not simply live "happily ever after."  In fact, I also remember a gut-wrenching phone call from James after I had stopped seeing them for counseling.  James called because he felt consumed with anxiety and jealousy at the thought that his wife had been with another man in the past, even though she was committed to him in the present.  What stands out to me about that conversation, however, was James's determination not to blame his wife for his anxiety.  He wanted to know, "What can I do to deal with this?"  This same spirit was evident in a few other contacts I had with this couple.  </div> <bR> <div> Its interesting to me that the two most striking images of power within the Christian faith are a baby in a manger and a cross.  The God of Christianity  expresses power through vulnerability and infuses us with power in the process.  It is a dynamic model.  James and Lisa chose it.  Perhaps there's a small corner of you're world where you could protect someone else's power...</div> <bR> <div> Grace and Peace,</div> <div> Wes</div> </td> </tr></table></body>