Do We Forgive Too Easily?

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="enneagram.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule/schedule_local.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule"><U>Alcoholics Anonymous Mtgs</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> by Wes Eades</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Have you heard the story of Chris Carrier?  Chris made the news many months ago after an old man in a nursing home confessed to having abducted Chris, shot him, and left him for dead some 25 years ago.  In 1974 Chris stepped off a school bus and then disappeared.  Six days later he was found by a hunter, suffering from injuries which ultimately left him blind in one eye.  The story became newsworthy when Carrier discovered that the man who perpetrated this hideous act was alive and living in a nursing home.  One can only imagine the stream of thoughts that flowed through his head when he learned his assailant was still breathing.  What is remarkable, though, is the action Carrier chose.  The last I heard, Chris was visiting the feeble man every day and reading to him from the Bible.</div> <bR> <div> Chris Carrier’s choice to forgive is both uplifting and troubling.  We are encouraged to learn how one man’s spirit soared above the destructiveness of revenge.  Yet we are confronted by our own struggles to forgive offenses that have been perpetrated upon us. </div> <bR> <div> This story came to mind when the question which titles this article was posed to me?  Do we forgive too easily?  After much reflection, I decided the answer is <U>no</U>.  However, in my reflection, another question came to mind:  Are we confused about what it means to forgive?  And my answer to this question is <U>yes</U>.</div> <bR> <div> <U>The Importance of Forgiving</U></div> <bR> <div> <I>"For if you forgive people their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive people their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you."</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >  (Matt 6:14-15)</FONT></div> <bR> <div> There was a time when I heard this verse as a kind of threat or ultimatum: If you don’t forgive him, then I won’t forgive you.  If you don’t clean up your room, then you can’t have dinner.  However, time and experience have brought a different perspective.  These words are no threat, they are simply a statement of principle.  When I do not choose to forgive, then God’s opportunities to move me and shape me become limited.  When I harbor anger and resentment, then I become like modeling clay out of which most of the moisture has evaporated.  Even the most skilled artist can do very little with dry clay.</div> <bR> <div> Scripture tells us that God can work redemptively within us when we are forgiving.  Living out this promise is often a great act of faith. But it is important that we not misunderstand what forgiveness requires of us.</div> <bR> <div> <U>Misunderstandings of Forgiveness</U></div> <bR> <div> I see three common misunderstandings of forgiveness that complicate the process and may falsely lead us to believe that forgiveness is a mistake.  These are 1) that forgiveness requires reconciliation, 2) that forgiveness requires letting the wrongdoer “off the hook,” and 3) that forgiveness is a once and forever event.</div> <bR> <div> First, although reconciliation of a relationship <U>can</U> be a significant aspect of forgiveness, not only is it <U>not</U> required, it can be foolish.  Reconciling with an abusive person who has not assumed responsibility for destructive actions is not necessary for one to let go of the painful consequences that can eat at the soul.</div> <bR> <div> Second, the belief that we must let the perpetrator “off the hook” is another misconception of forgiveness.  Sometimes forgiving the “debt” is important — we can all recall times when we were gracefully not required to pay the full cost of our mistakes — but in many cases it is the experience of consequences that bring a perpetrator to take full responsibility. Don't confuse,  "I forgive you," with "I don't think you should be held accountable for your actions."  In fact, if we really want to play a redemptive role in the life of someone who has done us wrong then we might need to say, "I forgive you, but I still expect you to take responsibility for what you have done."  </div> <bR> <div> Third, keep in mind that forgiveness is not an event, but a process.  We often revisit old wounds as we are faced with the ongoing and often complicated consequences of someone’s painful acts against us.  Some years ago a person whom I thought I could trust took actions behind my back that resulted in great pain for me and my family.  It seems that almost every time I have been ready to let go of that offense I become aware again of some pain or vulnerability that can rekindle my rage.  Mercifully, over time I am finding that the balance is slowly tipping in the direction of forgiveness.</div> <bR> <div> Forgiveness is an important part of our faith pilgrimage.  But like most of our spiritual journey, it is a difficult and personal process that cannot be described by a few “one size fits all” rules.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>