Reflections on Anger

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="enneagram.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule/schedule_local.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule"><U>Alcoholics Anonymous Mtgs</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 1"</B></div> <bR> <div> I want to talk about a subject that is central to much of the work I do as a therapist: ANGER. Some people do a slow, quiet burn. Others explode in a fury. You are probably somewhere in between. But one thing is for sure, if you're breathing, you struggle at times with anger.  And the way you handle anger will have a lot to do with your success in relationships and on the job. There are several things you need to understand about anger if you want your anger to work for you and not against you.</div> <bR> <div> Jim grew up hiding in his room while his dad stormed around the house in a drunken rage. Susan recalls a home where a raised voice was treated as a sin. Sam remembers the punishment he received for fighting a boy who took his ball glove. And Mary can't forget the time her family was evicted when her parents complained to the landlord.</div> <bR> <div> Very different stories with one common message: Anger is bad, so don't get mad.</div> <bR> <div> Many of us live with that message somewhere in the backs of our minds. We've got to get past this notion that anger is bad if we want our anger to help us.  (Make no mistake, destructive anger, where things get broke or people hit, is bad. It is not the anger that is bad in those instances but rather what a person does with that anger that is bad.)</div> <bR> <div> You see, the first step on the path is recognizing that anger is a feeling, and as a feeling, it is good. I'm certainly not saying it is enjoyable, but it is a part of the way you are wired, and so it is good. Like the lights on the dashboard of your car that let you know something is not quite right, your anger lets you know that a pressure is starting to rise. And if you've grown up believing that anger is bad, then you might be tempted to ignore those early signsthe mild irritations, the subtle annoyances.</div> <bR> <div> Next let's talk about the various threats that arouse your anger. For now though, I want you to remember that anger is a feeling, and as such, it is a good part of who you are.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 2" </B></div> <bR> <div> Anger is an important emotion that lets us know we're feeling threatened. Keep in mind,  <I><B>anger is always a response to a threat.</B></I></div> <bR> <div> Figuring out what the threat is about is a major part of dealing with anger in a positive way.</div> <bR> <div> Think about it. You got angry the other day when that car flew through the intersection while the light was turning red. "What an idiot!" you thought. Why?your safety was threatened. That one is easy. But what about your anger when you hear of a criminal in another state getting off with a slap on the wrist? Well, your sense of justice and fairness is threatened, even when you are not personally endangered.</div> <bR> <div> Do you know what it is like to have a threeyearold miniature human being look you in the face and say "NO! I do it.” And I get mad . . . because even though I am bigger, my sense of control and selfrespect is threatened. And why so much anger when your spouse forgets to buy bread or fails to remember a special event, like a birthday? Perhaps you simply feel taken for granted. Or perhaps you wonder if your spouse still loves you. Both can feel threatening.</div> <bR> <div> I remember a conversation with a man, Jim, who had blown up at his wife, Sheila, one evening after dinner. I don't recall what set him off, but it was something that both he and his wife found to be rather inconsequential. As we talked, Jim told me that the morning of the fight he had mentioned to Sheila an important meeting at work he was going to have that day. He said that he had been quite anxious about it. Sheila said Jim had seemed very cool and confidentshe was surprised when he said he was anxious. Jim admitted that when his wife did not ask about the meeting as soon as he got home, he began to grow angry. He said that all during dinner he kept thinking, "I can't believe she doesn't bring it up . . .   Doesn't she care how my day went?" Sheila was caught completely off guard. Jim felt threatened by the perceived lack of support from his wife. Note that Jim's anger was intensified by his assumption that Sheila understood what was going on.</div> <bR> <div> I had Jim ask himself, "Does the fact that Sheila didn't inquire about that meeting mean she doesn't care about me?" Jim felt a little embarrassed in saying "Of course not." He knew this was a shallow way to judge his wife's love, but he had realized he was doing just that. Jim and Sheila were then able to talk about how sometimes it seems that he expects her to read his mind.</div> <bR> <div> If when you feel angry, you will stop and ask yourself, "What am I afraid of here?" then you will be on your way to dealing constructively with your anger.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 3"</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> Lets now talk a little more about figuring out where our anger is coming from. If you have read up to this point, then you know that anger is always a response to a threat. Figuring out where the threat is coming from is half the battle in dealing constructively with anger.</div> <bR> <div> Let's say George is fuming and yelling because he asked his wife to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home from work, and she forgot.</div> <bR> <div> Fuming over a lousy gallon of milk? So what's the big deal? When the level of anger seems out of proportion to what has happened, it is important for you to ask yourself, "Okay, what's really going on inside of me?" For instance, it may seem to George that this is the tenth time in a row that he's made a reasonable request that was ignored by his wife. Or it may be that George was in a previous marriage in which he was often taken advantage of or ignored. If you want to push it far enough, maybe George grew up watching his mother walk all over his dad, and vowed that he would never allow the same to happen to him. All that happened is a gallon of milk was forgotten. Most of the threat comes from inside George, and everything he imagines a forgotten gallon of milk could mean.</div> <bR> <div> When George stops and realizes this, then he can have a helpful conversation with his wife. She can find out more about what goes on inside his head, and he can choose some new ways to deal with his anger. She has a chance to talk to him about the irate client that stormed into her office just as she was about to leave work (which is why she forgot the milk). Because of the anger, they have an opportunity to know and understand each other better.</div> <bR> <div> Let me suggest one other arena in which these ideas are especially important: Work! We all carry the stress from home to work, and viceversa. In addition, work is a very competitive place for many people. Relationships at work, consequently, are ripe for conflict! The next time you realize you are angry at work over a relatively small incident, ask yourself "Do I think this person is taking advantage of me?....Does it appear that the boss has favorites, and I'm not one of them?" These questions help us get to the heart of the matter and help us decide what action, if any, could be beneficial.</div> <bR> <div> Remember that key question: "Okay, what's really going on inside of me?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 4" </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >     "The Clearest Mark of Maturity" </FONT></div> <bR> <div> There are more ways to make anger work for, rather than against you.</div> <bR> <div> Let's focus on how dealing with our anger almost always involves hard choices. Let me explain.</div> <bR> <div> Steve, a young pastor, once came to me for counseling because of a painful situation in his church. I knew that the congregation in question had a reputation for chewing up preacher boys. It seems that Steve had a few ideas that were threatening to some folks. For instance, when he suggested that the nursery be remodeled, one member, Frank, insisted that the church couldn't afford it. The pastor's leadership won the day and the people voted for the remodeling.</div> <bR> <div> That member, Frank, was angry. He had a choice. Frank could honor the process by which the decision was made, or he could feel personally threatened by having "lost." He chose the latter path, and set out with a fairly sinister plan. Frank worked behind the scenes to build a coalition of dissatisfaction. Before long Steve found himself being resisted on every issue (and you thought this kind of stuff only happened in corporate America).</div> <bR> <div> The pastor, Steve, got angry. He had a choice. Steve could use his anger to fight fire with fire or he could use his anger to understand himself better and search for productive solutions. He chose the latter path, and called me.</div> <bR> <div> The people with whom I work teach me a lot, but Steve didn't waste any time. When I commended him on his choice not to retaliate against Frank, he offered something to me that reflected a wisdom beyond his years. Steve said, "The clearest mark of a man's maturity is how he acts when he doesn't get his way." Oh, that stings! The clearest mark of a man's maturity is how he acts when he doesn't get his way. I explained to my wife that the principle applies to the female gender as well. She explained to me that I probably had my hands full worrying about my own maturity and that I would do well not to worry about hers.</div> <bR> <div> I have a choice . . . </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 5" </B></div> <bR> <div> I discussed how coping with anger involves hard choices by telling you about a pastor I once knew. Now I will discuss the issue of hard choices by referring to a couple named James and Lisa. They had as many challenges to their marriage as anyone with whom I've ever worked. Both had histories of drug and alcohol abuse, affairs, and explosive anger. The only thing holding them together was their young child who, of course, stood to pay the biggest price for their destructive choices. Every now and then I see a couple for whom a happy marriage simply seems impossible. On these rare occasions I hope to help these couples part without doing any more damage to one another. James and Lisa seemed like such a couple. James and Lisa fooled me.</div> <bR> <div> I underestimated their ability to make hard choices.</div> <bR> <div> Hard choice number one: Both James and Lisa chose to admit their faults. Instead of playing "he saidshe said" or "he didshe did," they both just owned up to their contributions to the muddled mess. They both admitted to the subtle and notsosubtle ways in which they pushed each other's buttons, manipulated each other, and got revenge.</div> <bR> <div> Hard choice number two: Both James and Lisa chose to stop playing the destructive game. They dropped the angry outbursts with each other and started talking and listening.</div> <bR> <div> Hard choice number three: Both James and Lisa chose to experiment with new behaviors. They scheduled times to talk. They learned how to call timeout when they felt misunderstood. They were much clearer in their requests to each other.</div> <bR> <div> I still recall how amazed James and Lisa were when they came to my office after the first positive week together either could remember.</div> <bR> <div> You see, James and Lisa had a lot of power with each other. And when they chose to use that power in positive ways, their anger diminished. They began to trust each other. What hard choices would help you cope with some anger?</div> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 6"</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> Dealing constructively with anger is necessary in fulfilling relationships.</div> <bR> <div> However, we must be clear about the difference between anger and rage. Anger is a helpful and redemptive emotion that helps us understand ourselves better. Rage, however, is an irresistible and destructive expression of extreme anger, and is rarely helpful. A long time ago a wise person said, "He who holds back the rising anger like a rolling chariot, him I call a real driver; other people are but holding the reigns." The "drivers" are those who know how to use their anger constructively.</div> <bR> <div> Many of us are uncomfortable with anger because of our experience with rage, either someone else's, or our own. Anger is an important signal that lets us know we feel threatened in some way. Anger is helpful. Rage, however, erupts when a person feels so backed into a corner that he or she wants to destroy the threat. When anger and rage get connected together in our minds, it can make relationships very difficult.</div> <bR> <div> Susan grew up around a father who kept the family off balance by screaming and breaking things when he got frustrated. The family learned to "walk on eggshells" and never express anger with dad because this kept life at home relatively calm. For Susan the rule became, "Never get mad because things get broken." Now Susan has a delightful twoyearold son, Bernard. This little boy is bright and active. Bernard is being a twoyearold in every corner of the house. Bernard's little brain is learning about goals (cookies . . . cabinet . . . climb . . . ). But Bernard's little muscles have yet to develop the coordination necessary to reach those goals.</div> <bR> <div> Consequently, Bernard spends a fair amount of time being angry.</div> <bR> <div> Susan is a wonderful mom who has read all the parenting books. She knows that Bernard simply needs some help and understanding when he gets frustrated. But Susan also feels a deep sense of dread when Bernard loses his temper. It's the same feeling she has when her husband is storming around the house in search of his keys.</div> <bR> <div> When Susan realized that her anger and rage had gotten mixed up in her mind, she began to relax. She stopped worrying that Bernard's outbursts were a sign of something dreadful and helped him cope with his frustration. She also learned not to take responsibility for keeping up with her husbands car keys.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 7" </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >     The Myth of Expressing Anger </FONT></div> <bR> <div> Aristotle said, "Anyone can become angry that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way that is not easy." Sharon's neighbor, Audrey, needs to run to the hardware store.</div> <bR> <div> "Could you watch little Horace for a little while?" she asks. "Sure," says Sharon. Twoandahalf hours later, after she has lost the chance to run a couple of her own errands, Sharon is fuming with anger as she sees Audrey coming up the sidewalk. "I hope it wasn't too much trouble, " she offers, "I remembered a few other things that I needed to take care of while I was out." Now, should Sharon hold her tongue or speak her mind? We get confusing messages concerning the expression of our anger.</div> <bR> <div> Most of you grew up with some version of Thomas Jefferson's words: "When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, one hundred." Contemporary psychology tells us, however, that we must get our anger out, lest it fester and grow. One bit of wisdom says to hold your tongue. Another bit of wisdom says to speak your anger directly. Which advice is true? Well, both, but it depends on the situation. Keep in mind, anger expressed wisely can build a relationship. Anger expressed thoughtlessly can destroy a relationship.</div> <bR> <div> If Sharon wants to build her relationship with Audrey, then she has to think.</div> <bR> <div> She can decide to chalk this situation up to her own poor communication. Next time, she decides, she'll ask more questions and be clearer with Audrey about how long she will be willing to baby sit.</div> <bR> <div> She can then let go of her anger. (This approach works best if it is the first offense, as opposed to the fiftieth...) Or, Sharon can share her anger in a simple and direct fashion: "Audrey, I enjoy helping you out, but I must admit I feel taken advantage of here. Next time I'll be clearer with you about how much time I have to help." Audrey may be uncomfortable with Sharon's words, but Sharon makes her point without being destructive. If, in this situation, Audrey offers a genuine apology, Sharon can probably let go of her anger fairly easily. If Audrey gets defensive and offers excuses, Sharon will find it harder to let go of her anger, but she can still do it if she chooses.</div> <bR> <div> I must admit, when I'm in such circumstances I often end up following Mark Twain's advice: "When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>"Reflection 8"</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> Anger can be a healthy and redemptive emotion when properly understood. Now, let's conclude by considering a scenario that is all to common in marriage . . . </div> <bR> <div> Sally's had a rough day at work. She knows George won't be home until eight o'clock, so she stops for dinner out alone. She imagines how good it will feel to snuggle up close to George and talk about her day.</div> <bR> <div> After arriving home she enjoys a relaxing bath and puts on a favorite nightgown. When George walks in the door, she smiles lovingly and says, "I've been looking forward to this evening." George responds as he heads for the TV, “Yeah, me too . . . I wonder if I missed the kickoff." Sally realizes it's Monday night.</div> <bR> <div> The ensuing argument escalates as verbal grenades are lobbed back and forth. "How can you be so insensitive?" "Well, how can you be so selfish?" "How did I manage to marry someone just like my father?" "Maybe because you're just like your mother!" Now, how did this evening "go nuclear" so quickly? It began early in the day with two people who were developing completely different expectations of the evening and who still believe in the "first crazy rule of relationships: "If you really loved me you would read my mind.</div> <bR> <div> Think about it . . . If you really loved me you would read my mind. A lot of anger gets stirred up when we don't communicate clearly. Sally assumed the nightgown was a signal only a moron would miss. George assumed that Sally would never forget that Monday nights during football season were sacred. Too bad they aren't mind readers, but you've got to wonder what might have happened if they had talked.</div> <bR> <div> Perhaps it would have started like this: "I've had a bad day and I really need some time with you." "I've been looking forward to the game, but the game can wait." Understanding anger inevitably leads to the subject of communication, and all the crazy communication rules that people have (I've compiled a list of 10 crazy rules of marriage).</div> </td> </tr></table></body>