Much of the power and relevance of religious faith comes from its capacity to help people cope with painful emotions. “How can I be healed from my guilt and shame?” is the driving question behind many of the dilemmas parishioners bring to their ministers. The question often goes unspoken, so ministers must be listening with the “third ear” of intuition and Spirit.

Though quite similar, guilt and shame are actually different emotional experiences, requiring different paths to healing. The following discussion will clarify these differences, and offer some ideas for pastoral ministry. (Note: Summaries such this one must over-simplify very complex subjects. The reader is referred to the articles on “Guilt” and “Shame” in the Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling for excellent background material.)

Guilt: A painful feeling “accompanying selfjudgment or knowledge that one has transgressed values in some way important to the self.” (Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling, p.488)

Shame: “A painful feeling of being exposed, uncovered, unprotected, vulnerable,” which derives etymologically from words which mean “to cover.” (Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling, p.1160.)

More simply still: Guilt is what we feel when we believe we have done something wrong. Shame is what we feel when we believe we are something wrong. When a person feels guilty, he thinks of himself as having been bad. When a person feels ashamed, he thinks of himself as weak and inadequate. The path to healing for guilt leads through forgiveness. The path to healing for shame leads through acceptance.

Understandably, these two emotions are closely linked and confused since they often appear in tandem. Adam and Eve felt guilt at having transgressed God’s command. Their guilt feelings led to feelings of shame and the behavior of hiding because they felt unworthy of relationship with God.

A young man makes an appointment with his pastor for conversation about his frustration with life. The pastor needs only a few minutes with the young man to correctly assess that his parishioner is at least mildly depressed, and probably has been for some time. He is underemployed, doing work that is not very interesting. His wife is expressing growing frustration at the financial pressures the family faces.

The young man moves quickly to talk about the loss of his job two years early when he was fired for not following company policy. He admits that he was immature and arrogant at the time, thinking that he didn’t need to adhere to the company rules. He has asked his wife’s forgiveness and God’s forgiveness. Yet he continues shuffle along, unmotivated to push himself towards vocational success. At one point he says, “I don’t suppose I’ll ever feel like I’ve been completely forgiven for the disaster I created.” Although his wife is angry with him, he says she has forgiven him for the past, but can’t understand why he won’t get on with his future.

The pastor makes a wise decision. Rather than focusing on the issue of forgiveness, he rightly places shame at the center of their conversation by suggesting, “It doesn’t seem to me that you are as worried about being forgiven for past actions as much as you agonize over what those actions mean about you. Its as though you believe you have become a lousy provider and horrible man.” The pastor’s words clearly find a connection for the young man who replies, “I guess I’ve never thought about it quite like that before.”

Ministers must properly discern the needs of parishioners if helpful care is to be provided. Unfortunately, some well-intended pastoral care has proven unhelpful around issues of guilt and shame since each requires a different pastoral response.

When a person is struggling because of having broken a rule, then the minister’s task is to point the way to forgiveness. Our faith asserts that confession and repentance are central in this process. The minister gently affirms the honesty of the parishioner in confessing the problem, and helps him or her to consider the ramifications of the transgression. Confession requires that a person understand how poor choices have affected himself or herself, as well as others. The willingness of a parishioner to face this pain is often an indicator of how serious he or she is about inner transformation. Most of us have worked with folks who want a quick fix so they can get the pain off their shoulders. Such folks are rarely interested in examining their brokenness. It can be difficult to sensitively hold their “feet to fire” in order to avoid passing out cheap grace.

Parishioners often need help with repentance. To effectively move down the path of repentance, one must do more than simply declare, “I won’t do that again!” Ministers can help by asking a few questions: “What circumstances surrounded your poor choice?” “What is the likelihood of being back in that situation?” “What will you do differently when faced with this choice again?” “If you make different choices, how will other people around you be effected?” These kinds of questions can help prepare a person for genuine change by helping him or her understand that repentance is often very difficult.

This brief portion of scripture offers a poignant image of God’s pain in dealing with a rebellious Israel. Hosea excoriates the nation for promoting sinful acts (guilt). Such actions naturally result in a loss of acceptance by God (shame). Instead of facing its shame, Israel hides its fear and insecurity rather than facing God. God grieves Israel’s refusal to see that all which is needed for healing has been accomplished.

Such is the case with persons wrestling with shame. Shame is ultimately a problem of blessing. When we rest in the assurance of God’s acceptance of us, then we are free to be curious about our pain and brokenness rather than having to hide from ourselves. This is the starting place for pastoral care. In either word or action, the minister must communicate, “There is nothing you could have done which would compromise my view of you as God’s precious and special child.” Persons wrestling with shame feel cursed (I am no longer worth of God’s love and care). It is only through graceful acceptance that a person can begin to be curious about his or her shame.

Curiosity is very important. Shame is often experienced when a person exhibits weakness in circumstances where he or she believes she should have been strong. Also, shame is the typical response when a person has failed to live up to an inner commitment. An accepting minister can help the person look inside with curiosity and without fear of inner or outer recrimination. The curious view then helps the person see what must be strengthened in order to continue spiritual pilgrimage or help the person examine the commitments that may have been broken, leading to shame.

Neurosis refers to emotional responses which have no connection to reality. We all get a little neurotic from time to time (What minister hasn’t mistaken the distracted gaze of an exhausted parishioner as an indication that the sermon was lousy!?). Sometimes a person will approach us with guilt or shame which is neurotic. That is, he or she expresses painful emotions over having committed some act that does not reflect a transgression. A classic example would be the adult child who moves away from parents against their wishes. Insecure parents may make statements to the child which have the ring of “You are wrong to have moved,” or “You are a bad person because you have abandoned us.” Whenever the minister is left thinking, “I can’t see where you did anything wrong...” then he or she may be identifying neurotic guilt or shame. In its most painful forms, neurotic shame or guilt leaves the person feeling there is no hope for forgiveness or acceptance.

It is very important that ministers not treat neurotic guilt and shame as though it were legitimate! The minister should not encourage the person in the example above to pray for forgiveness. This only supports and encourages the neurotic perspective. Rather, the minister should gently challenge the moral system out of which the person is living. A minister might ask the adult child in the example above, “Could we talk some about your parent’s expectations of you, and whether or not God expects the same things of you?”

God’s merciful love and grace is sufficient for all guilt and shame. Our role is often to help those to whom we minister name their pain accurately in order to experience God’s healing power.

Feeling	Thought	Redemptive Path
Guilt	I have done something wrong.	Forgiveness
Shame	I am weak and inadequate.	Acceptance