The Seven Commandments Of Parenting

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Mtgs."><U>Alcoholics Anon. Mtgs.</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> by John Dorschner</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>How to raise your child not to be a spoiled brat like all those other kids</B></I></div> <bR> <div> It's  a classic supermarket scene. The kid is "'But I want it!" tugging on the parent's leg, begging for that sugarladen treat, and the adult is scanning the shelves for cereal. The begging escalates to whimpering, then crying, then erupts in a widemouthed fromthebottomofthegut scream. Here is the quintessential test of parenthood in the consumer society. The parent may figure: Why deprive the kid? It's just a cheap treat to keep him happy -- and quiet.  Still, it’s junk food, and a child shouldn’t be rewarded for whining.  But the kid keeps it up, maybe even rolling on the floor.</div> <bR> <div> AT THIS MOMENT a lot of parents surrender. As an exasperated working mom in MiamiDade County, Florida, puts it, "Either you can get this $1.09 item or you have a big scene. So what do you do? You buy the thing."</div> <bR> <div> A trivial indulgence? Perhaps. But such expedient parenting decisions signal a much bigger problem: we're doing a lousy job raising kids these days.</div> <bR> <div> A 1997 survey of 2000 adults showed that twothirds thought teenagers were "rude," "irresponsible," "wild" and "spoiled." More than half of the respondents thought these failings applied even to children ages five to 12, when kids used to be considered "adorable." Many also say they know what the problem is: parents fail to do a good job instilling discipline.</div> <bR> <div> What's gone wrong? "The most fundamental problem," says Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia, "is parents' lack of involvement in their kids' lives." Another part of it, adds Steinberg, is the cult of what he calls ideological permissiveness, a concept that says it's better to be your child's friend than his dictator.</div> <bR> <div> But now, warns William Damon, a Stanford University professor and author of Greater Expectations, this movement has gone to extremes. "The 'childcentered' ethic has become a justification for every sort of overindulgent practice."</div> <bR> <div> A growing number of experts advocate another approach that emphasizes both sensitivity and stricture. As John Rosemond, a family psychologist and popular columnist, wrote, "Children require regular doses of what I call Vitamin N. Hint: it's the most character building twoletter word in the English language."</div> <bR> <div> Here's what parents should do to raise confident, responsible children:</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>1.  Be a parent, not a pal.</B> A child needs a leader, not a buddy. Too often these days a parent shares fears or problems with a child, just as one might unburden oneself to a friend. Parental admonishments such as "Eat your vegetables" and "Say please and thank you" become less frequentone doesn't lecture companions.</div> <bR> <div> One father was shocked to learn that his nine-year-old daughter, off to a friend’s house for an overnight, ended up in a bar at midnight. The mother, a single parent, wanted some fun and took the girls along.</div> <bR> <div> Psychologist Wade Horn, who heads the National Fatherhood Initiative, says the No. I lesson he gives parents is: "Stop thinking you're supposed to be your child's friend. Being a parent means setting limits and making rules."</div> <bR> <div> <B>2. Discipline early.</B> Aida Sanchez, a Miami behavior analyst, describes her procedure for handling her fouryear-old's tantrums. "I say, 'I don't like your behavior right now, and I ignore him." Then when he calms down, she'll play with him.</div> <bR> <div> Particularly when kids are young, our temptation is to do the quick fix. Instead of teaching a kid to make the bed, and going through the foot dragging and the "I don’t want to," it's easier for the parent to do it. Put off the chores, a lot of us figure, until they're older and it isn't so hard to persuade them.</div> <bR> <div> But if you wait, you're going to meet resistance. "Then when kids get to be ten or 11, they're perceived as brats," says Maricel Cigales, a Miami behavior analyst. "The problem is that for years,'no' didn't mean no. No meant maybe or if you bug me, yes.</div> <bR> <div> One of the worst scenarios is when parents are permissive, then suddenly clamp down. "When parents are under stress or tired," says Laurence Steinberg, "they often slip into domination: 'Do it because I say so.' The result of flipflops is an outraged and confused child."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> What's required is consistent authority. Explaining is good, negotiating a problem. Most experts warn not to give in to the kid who says, "I'll pick up my toys if you take me to get ice cream." That puts the child in control, rather than the parent.</div> <bR> <div> <B>3.  Spend time with your kids.</B> "I've never seen a generation so parentless," says Gary Stroope, a pastor in Coral Gables, Fla. Parents may love their kids, but they're busy with work, with their own activities.</div> <bR> <div> "I work hard," a lawyer with small children says. "I need to rack up the billable hours. I like to work out to stay in shape. I like to golf And the hours I am home, it's quality. The kids and I will roll around together on the floor."</div> <bR> <div> Is that enough? A growing number of experts are convinced that quality time has been oversold. Stein berg asserts, "Kids who spend more time with their parents do better."</div> <bR> <div> For more than a decade Joseph Allen, psychology professor at the University of Virginia, has studied hundreds of teenagers. "When teen have a problem," he discovered, "they want to talk about it when they're thinking of it. It won't save up until 7:30 when mom or dad gets home.</div> <bR> <div> "Teens appreciate quality time,” Allen adds, "but it can't replace availability."</div> <bR> <div> <B>4.  Control time electronics.</B>   Parents are shocked by the language and sexual knowledge exhibited by even young children. Where's that coming from? Maybe from a school chum, but</div> <div> count on this: indirectly it is coming from the media.</div> <bR> <div> The tragedy is that popular culture has superseded the family, school and religion in providing sex education to our children," says Dr. Jon A. Shaw, head of child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Miami School of Medicine.</div> <bR> <div> Today TV talk shows discuss sisters sharing the same lovers, while primetime comedies talk about topless bars and bodily functions and offer father figures like Homer Simpson. "The traditional values of adults are undermined," Shaw points out.</div> <bR> <div> Some parents encourage computer games as alternatives to television. But these, too, often push the curve. One father was upset when he found that his nine-yearold's requested birthday present, Carmageddon ("a simple driving game"), awarded points for running over pedestrians.</div> <bR> <div> What's the answer? Get tough. The American Medical Association advises that children not watch more than two hours of TV a dayand only shows monitored by parents. That's probably the most ignored medical advice in the country.</div> <bR> <div> <B>5.  Know what your child is up to.</B>  The cops say it happens all the time: Weekday afternoons preteens are roaming the neighborhood, daring one another to see who's the toughest. Eventually one throws a rock through a window. Meanwhile, in one of the houses, a lonely boy surfs the Internet, downloading graphic images of nude women.</div> <bR> <div> "Unsupervised kids at home are a huge problem," says Laurence Steinberg. Indeed, research has shown that socalled latchkey kids are more likely than supervised children to smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol and have sex.</div> <bR> <div> But the good news is that some children of working parents do quite well. Why? Conscientious parents, says Steinberg, give their kids "a fairly organized day," even if it is from afar, by stringing together after-school programs and a network of family, friends and neighbors.</div> <bR> <div> <B>6.  Don't get carried away with "selfesteem</B>" The sevenyearold outfielder who spent the season staring at the sky as part of a team that went 019 proudly picks up the same trophy as the slugger on the championship team. What's wrong with that?</div> <bR> <div> Stanford University professor Damon laments that "just about every parent and teacher is convinced that building selfesteem is the answer to all childhood problems." But like many experts, Damon thinks that "selfesteem" has lost its meaning.</div> <bR> <div> Experts say we need to praise genuine achievements. If the young outfielder never gets a hit, he shouldn't be made to feel worthless, but neither should he be treated like an allstar.</div> <bR> <div> "Studies show that real selfesteem comes from achieving something challenging," says Wade Horn of National Fatherhood. "If you protect them too much, they'll never develop the ability to overcome problems."</div> <bR> <div> <B>7. Stay married.</B> The most important thing parents can do to help their kids grow up welladjusted is to stay together. Nothing else even comes close, say experts.</div> <bR> <div> Children growing up with only one biological parent arc twice as likely to drop out of school and 2.5 times as likely to become teenage mothers, according to a study by Princeton sociology professor Sara McLanahan. They're less likely to make the honor roll, less likely to finish college and more likely to get in trouble with the law. As adults, they're also less likely to establish a stable relationship.</div> <bR> <div> And remember: all this advice given by the experts-spending time with your kids, supervising television, monitoring their whereabouts-becomes much easier when there are two adults in the household.</div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>