When Your Spouse Won't Seek Help

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="enneagram.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule/schedule_local.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule"><U>Alcoholics Anonymous Mtgs</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>When Your Spouse Won't Seek Help</I></div> <div> When I was writing a column for the Round Rock Leader, a reader wrote me note and asked a very good question: <I><B>“What do you do if your marriage needs some help but your spouse refuses to attend counseling with you?"</B></I> </div> <bR> <div> This is a great question, and one I hear often.  If you are in this boat, then perhaps a few thoughts will be helpful.</div> <bR> <div> First, have you really <U>clearly</U> asked?  Many times we are uncomfortable being straightforward about the possibility of marriage counseling.  Consequently, we broach the subject with questions that sound like, “What would you think if we . . . ?” or “Maybe it would help if we . . . ?”  Our partner doesn’t take us seriously.  Maybe these words will help:</div> <bR> <div>      <I>I am getting more and more frustrated with our relationship, and I feel a need for us to do something about it.  I want us to get some counseling together.  Will you go with me?</I></div> <bR> <div> Second, could it be that you have been a very controlling person in your marriage, and that your spouse’s refusal to go to counseling is his or her way of letting you know that the control will no longer be tolerated?  Be honest with yourself.  A person once said, “Why are you angry that you cannot control others when you have not yet learned how to control yourself?”  Your spouse’s refusal to go to counseling may be a gift in disguise if it causes you to look more honestly at yourself.  If you think this might be the case, then perhaps words like these will make a difference:</div> <bR> <div>      <I>I am coming to realize how hard I can be to live with and how it probably seems like I’m always trying to get you to change.  I want to be different, and I want our marriage to be different.  Would you come to counseling with me so we can talk about this and figure out some better ways to handle things?</I></div> <bR> <div> Third, keep in mind that, ultimately, it does no good to tell someone what to do.  Simply tell them what you are going to do.  If your spouse will not attend counseling, then you go yourself.  Though some counselors might disagree with me, I have always believed that marriage counseling can happen with only one person in the room.  Also, on many occasions I have seen the missing spouse show up when it becomes clear that counseling is going on, with or without him or her.  Consider words like the following:</div> <bR> <div> <I>I’ve been asking you to attend counseling with me, and I guess you’ve convinced me that you are not interested.  I have decided that I am going on my own to talk with a counselor about our marriage.  If you ever change your mind about going with me, then I’ll be glad for you to come along. </I></div> <bR> <div> These three ideas have worked for some of the people I’ve counseled.  If you’ve used other approaches that were helpful, then please write and let me hear about them.  I’ll pass them along . . . </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>