Myth: Loving Couples Never Ever Fight

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=220 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Practical Spirituality"><U>WMEades.com Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.counseling-waco.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.counseling-waco.com"><U>Counseling-Waco Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://wacopartnership.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://wacopartnership.org"><U>Waco Partnership for Psychological and Spiritual Care Home Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.c"><U>Practical Spirituality Blog</U></A></div> <div> _________________________</div> <div> <A HREF="aboutme.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Me and My Work"><U>About Me and My Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id518.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Making an Appointment"><U>Making an Appointment</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="policies.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Policies"><U>Policies</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="cost.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cost of Counseling"><U>Cost of Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="helpfularticles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Helpful Articles"><U>Helpful Articles</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="directions.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Directions to Office"><U>Directions to Office</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="booksummaries.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Summaries"><U>Book Summaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="counseling.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Pastoral Counseling"><U>Pastoral Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="premarriage.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Premarriage Counseling"><U>Premarriage Counseling</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="enneagram.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Enneagram"><U>The Enneagram</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="faith.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When Faith Doesnt Work"><U>When Faith Doesn't Work</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule/schedule_local.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.centexintergroup.org/schedule"><U>Alcoholics Anonymous Mtgs</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.theravive.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.theravive.com"><U><IMG SRC="83da03c0.jpg" border=0 width="160" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE" TEXT="#080000"> <div> How to Use “Fights” to Strengthen Bonds. . . and Disagree Without Being Disagreeable</div> <div> by   James L. Creighton, Ph.D.   ( from Bottom Line Personal, January 1, 1999)</div> <bR> <div> It is a myth that happy couples never fight.  In fact, they regularly disagree with each other. What sets loving couples apart is that they disagree in loving ways.  They don’t let disagreements turn into nasty battles.  And their “fights” strengthen rather than hurt, their relation-ships.</div> <bR> <div> Handling conflict in a healthy way is a skill that can be learned.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>ACCEPT CONFLICT AS NORMAL</B></div> <bR> <div> Trying to ignore disagreements or bury resentments doesn’t get rid of them.  It only allows them to grow below the surface.  When we face conflict and deal with it openly, it’s easier to let it go and move on.  Steps to take . . . </div> <bR> <bR> <div>       <B>Express what you feel, not what you think.  </B>Couples who fight lovingly start by talking      about how they feel, not about what they think is “wrong” with their partner.</div> <div> They frame arguments by saying, “I’m hurt/angry/frustrated” rather than, “You’re rude/sloppy/a jerk.” When one spouse does something that bothers the other, he/she says so <I>immediately</I>.  But he describes the specific behavior — not his interpretation.</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Example:</B></I> “I was upset when you didn’t return my call” expresses how the person feels.  “I’m mad because you’re inconsiderate” expresses what the person thinks. It’s tempting to blame your negative feelings on the other person’s inadequacies.  Resist this urge. </div> <div> Attacking or accusing may make you feel temporarily powerful.  But it erodes trust, creating emotional fallout that is very difficult to clean up.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>       <B>Listen — rather than talk — your way out of conflict. </B>When someone is  upset, the      natural reaction is to try to talk him out of it. We do this by making excuses for the person . . . . or trying to come up with solutions to the problem . . . or pointing out all the reasons why there’s no need to be upset.  But this response implies that the other person doesn’t have a right to his feelings.  So talking often makes them worse.      In reality, all it takes to stop the person from being angry is to acknowledge how he feels.</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>      Key to effective listening:</B></I> After your partner has finished speaking, summarize the feelings and ideas\that were just expressed.  Don’t evaluate whether those words are right or wrong. . . and don’t try to “fix” anything.  Just repeat what you’ve heard.      When you’re first learning this technique, it can feel artificial or even patronizing — but it works very effectively. Many of the couples I work with get around this by using the <I>five-minute rule. </I>Either partner can invoke this rule at any time. </div> <bR> <div> <I><B>     How it works: </B></I>One person has five minutes to speak without interruption.  Then the other person has five minutes.  If you can’t decide who should start, flip a coin. Sometimes you both may need <I>another</I> turn to speak. By the end of the second round, both people have usually gotten most of their frustrations out of the way and can start discussing the problems more constructively.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>FIGHT FAIRLY</B></div> <bR> <div> Happy couples follow several unspoken rules that keep their small arguments from escalating into big ones. . .</div> <bR> <bR> <div>       <B>Stick to the issue: </B>If he’s mad because she’s not ready to leave at the agreed-upon time, that’s the subject the loving couple talks about. They don’t get sidetracked by accusations, such as, “You don’t care how I feel” or, “One of us has to live in the real world.” They also don’t keep bringing up past grievances.  If an issue keeps coming up over and over, they’ll talk about it — but not as a way of punishing each other when they’re arguing about something else. </div> <div>  </div> <bR> <div>       <B>Don’t hit below the belt.  </B>Loving couples don’t try to hurt each other by attacking </div> <div>      sensitive areas, such as weight, job status, etc.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>       <B>Don’t drag other people into it. </B> Don’t say things such as, “I’m not the only person who   feels this way.  Your sister and brother do, too.”  Trying to bolster our side of the argument by bringing up someone else not only escalates the fight but also poisons your partner’s relationship with that person. Some couples find it helpful to make these rules explicit — and remind each other gently if one of them breaks a rule.  Don’t turn these reminders into occasions to gloat.  A simple reminder, such as, “Remember, we agreed not to do that” usually is enough.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>       <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><I><B>Important:</B></I></FONT> The best time to agree on rules is right <I>after</I> a fight, when you’ve cooled down enough to talk reasonably.  The memory of the fight you just had — and how unpleasant it was not to be following the rules — will motivate you to do things differently.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div>           <B>HUDDLE TO SOLVE PROBLEMS</B></div> <bR> <div> Sometimes just hearing each other out helps partners understand one another’s point of view — and resolves the conflict.  When that’s not enough, happy couples work together to find a better way of dealing with the issue. Problem-solving steps. . .</div> <bR> <bR> <div>            Agree on what the problem is.</div> <bR> <div>            Brainstorm alternative solutions.</div> <bR> <div>            Agree on a solution that best meets your needs and those of a your partner.</div> <bR> <div>            Agree on a way to put the solution into practice.</div> <bR> <div>            Evaluate how well the solution is working.</div> </td> </tr></table></body>